POST

Today was just an ordinary day in the life of me. It was hectic and busy, stressful and insane. I took my son to school and then dropped my daughter at a friend’s house for hours so I could get to work. I cried the whole way there. Typical me.

There are days that go by and nothing great and nothing horrible occurs. It is just a day. These seem to be getting easier for me. The days where there is a glitch in my plans, or schedules change or something breaks and I really need your help – these are the days I cry for you the most.

Then I feel truly guilty as it seems I only cry on days when I need you. I feel selfish and then cry even more. I try to get through the days not crying and just do what must get done. I just can’t possibly cry all the time – I did that already. Now I cry when I could use your help and I am wondering if you are up in heaven scowling at me for only crying then. When the children are behaving and the day is a good one, I don’t cry for you. Tears don’t bring you back. I figured this one out. So on good days, I try not to cry.

I drove to work frustrated that you weren’t around to help me. This end of school year, camp not yet started, still working everyday overwhelming time in my life is just hard. This is all hard for me and I am trying my best. After the frustration wore off I just cried because I really miss you. I really missed my best friend and father of my children today.

I have been so strong through all these graduations. Standing there with my head held high because I know that people are looking at me feeling bad for me. I know they are sad for my children and I just want to put on a good face. I did a miserable job at our daughter’s pre-k graduation.

All it took was for me to see one father carrying his daughter on his shoulders to the graduation ceremony and I couldn’t walk inside. The kids ran ahead, eager for the ceremony as I hid behind a car hysterical beyond belief, unable to catch my breath. It was just so terrible being there alone, I couldn’t take another step. My good friend found me and let me cry all over her beautiful dress and she didn’t have to say a word. She just let me cry and say this just isn’t right – he should be here today – it just isn’t right!

But I got past that day and got through Hebrew school graduation and am getting through everything else – how - I am just not sure. Because tonight ice cream is melting in the freezer and I can’t eat it fast enough. The refrigerator is broken and it may as well be the end of the world for me. I just don’t know what to do next and I am just lost – all day I have just felt lost without you.

All I want is you here tonight. Though you would of course be mad the fridge is shot you would be in all your glory eating every frozen thing in sight. But you are not here and so tomorrow I must navigate through what the heck to do when your fridge breaks and you haven’t a clue.

We have been in our new place for two months and it still doesn’t feel like home. Everything is here almost unpacked and yes we are settling in – but it doesn’t feel like home. I don’t feel you here – I don’t feel your presence here. I don’t see images of you anywhere. I guess a few months ago I wanted to be rid of ghosts but now I miss looking at a room and picturing you doing something there. It makes me sad that I just don’t feel you anymore.

The only teeny tiny piece of you I have left comes every single morning. It sounds strange, but true. When my husband and I moved from Manhattan to Queens we argued about what paper we would get delivered to the house. I wanted the Times, he wanted the Post. I bought the Times but rarely read it – he loved the Post. He won. I was kind of embarrassed at first as I think we are the only house in the hood that actually gets the Post delivered – everyone gets the Times. About a month after my husband died the Post called to say my subscription was up and would I like to renew. I didn’t even hesitate. I asked if they had a lifetime subscription.

Every morning I wake up, walk to my door and hug the paper tightly in my arms and think about you.