Sunday, July 4, 2010

Tragedy

I am in a funk and not the fun Parliament seventies rock kind. I am just in a funk – maybe it is depression, but I don’t think so. Maybe I am just tired and hot and sweaty and lonely and bored and missing my husband and the life I was supposed to be living.

I feel like I am in a Shakespearean tragedy. I only say this because I was told this is what people are saying about me. Well not the Shakespeare part, but I am an English major after all so . . .

A friend who was trying to make me feel better said that her neighbor saw me the other day and said, “Is that woman with the two beautiful children the one who had that terrible tragedy?” I think I was supposed to hear that she complimented my children. Instead I just think - oh great, now I am a tragedy!

But I am not a tragedy! A tragedy is when a child dies or someone runs into a burning building to save another person and they die instead. My husband walking into a garage and never walking out – this is not a tragedy – this is just fucked up!

This morning the children woke me very early. I went into the kitchen to make coffee and then lay back down onto my bed while I waited for it to brew. Suddenly I was sitting at my kitchen table and you were sitting across from me. You were so young and handsome and I was starring at you like you were a ghost. You were telling me to stop complaining about my life and the kids and go live and appreciate my life. Go enjoy myself. When I tried to interrupt you, to tell you how difficult life has been for me, you put your hand up to halt my words and just smiled. You wouldn’t let me talk. I finally could look at you no longer. I put my hands in front of my face; put peeked at you through my fingers. You were just sitting at the table smiling at me with your young, vibrant and beautiful face and then I woke up.

Maybe this is the cause of my funk today. Because I don’t know if this was you visiting me from heaven and telling me to get my life together or my subconscious acting out. Either way I am disappointing us both.

I don’t think I will ever fall in love again. I don’t see myself ever marrying again or dating or anything like that. I just don’t see it at all. Maybe I am not supposed to see it now – but in my heart deep down – I never see it all. Yes, I joke with my friends about cute fireman and silly stuff. But I followed cute firemen around in Costco even when I was married. It was just fun – nothing seems fun anymore no matter how much I joke.

Then I look at my children and think how much they could use their father right now- any father right now and I think; well I will just disappoint them too.

Maybe I am a tragedy. How did I get to this point in my life where I am just lost and stumbling and trying to find my way? I am not supposed to be like this at 39. I am a mother and really should have so much more together than I do. I feel like I have disappointed my children, my family and really myself.

Quite possibly I am just feeling sorry for myself these days. I realize this is fruitless and doesn’t help at all. I don’t want to be viewed as tragic or any other negative terms. I just want my happy self back. I don’t really care about much these days – just my children. I want to give them a happy, love-filled life. I want to watch them laugh and smile and don’t want to disappoint them any longer.

1 comment:

  1. You are def not a tragedy. I see you as a victory in progress. There will come a day when you can really, truly laugh and not feel like 2 separate people inside--one joking and one crying. It sucks now, and that's ok. It's supposed to. But one day it will stop being so crushing. And that's ok too. It will be ok to let go of the guilt and hurt and fear and crap and become you--version 2.0.
    love, audette

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