Not Fair

I should not have to be dealing with this. It is not fair. Maybe I sound like my children now when I say these words. BUT IT IS NOT FAIR!

Tonight at bedtime I am trying to read to the children. Our four year old keeps interrupting and I am getting frustrated that I can’t even get through an eight page book without questions. Then she asks, “Why did daddy die?”

I say calmly that daddy died because he had a boo boo in his brain and his body stopped working. Our six year old says, “Wow, a boo boo in his brain, that must have hurt.” I tell them that daddy died very quickly and didn’t feel any pain.

I try and recover from this conversation and finish reading to them. When I tuck my four year old into bed she asks me, “Why did daddy have to miss Hanukkah?” I tell her because he is in heaven, but he was watching us and saw us celebrating Hanukkah. He didn’t really miss it. “I miss my daddy,” she says. I miss him too, I say. Exhaustion takes over and she thankfully falls quickly to sleep.

I climb up to the top bunk to tuck our six year old in. He is sobbing to himself. He looks at me and says, “I am crying because I miss daddy. I wish he were here right now tucking me in instead of you.”

I just look at him with tears rolling down my face. I know he isn’t trying to be mean to me. I stroke his hair and let him cry. “Why can’t daddy come down?” he asks. “I want my daddy and I want him right now!” he yells.

I tell him that heaven is such a wonderful place, that people don’t want to leave it. He asks me what heaven looks like and then I have to tell him I am not sure. He wants to know how I know it is so great then.

Then he looks at me and says, “Maybe if G-d hears me crying he will go find daddy and let him come home.” He starts crying again and I realize at this point there are no words of comfort for him. I can only hold him and let him sob. He is too young to really understand and to old for me to lie to him. I just snuggle him closer and let him cry.

He tells me to cover my ears and then he prays to G-d himself. “G-d please let daddy come home. His address is ____________. Let him come home to us G-d right now!”

He starts crying again and now he is speaking in Spanish. “Mommy do you know what I just said?” he asks. No honey I have no idea. He tells me he said, “Please come down, please come down.” I am not sure if I should be proud that he can mourn in two languages or just devastated that he is mourning at all.

I continue to lie next to him listening to his words as I am truly at a loss of my own. I am just crying silently because I don’t have the words to solve this. I am at an utter loss as to how to make him feel better. I feel awful. I feel terrible and I am just so upset and so devastated that this little six year old must deal with this pain and suffering.

Then he says, “Maybe daddy could just bust through the ceiling because he has wings. I think he also has a magic wand. If he comes home I will give him a big hug and then make a wish.” What would you wish for I ask? “I would ask daddy to make it snow but keep away all the yellow snow,” he says with a smile.

Then we start laughing and the tears are gone for a minute. We lie there together silently and I stroke his hair again and then he is crying again asking for daddy over and over and I just can’t take the pain I feel. It is unbearable and I wish I could take away their suffering. I just can’t. I feel like we are healing but the wound is so deep and wide still that even the little bit of time that has passed has not really stopped the bleeding.

Then after a few minutes he asks me, “When are we getting a new daddy?” I sigh and say I just don’t know. “Maybe we could get Mr. J (his kindergarten teacher from last year). I explain that he already has a girlfriend and is too young for me. “But he is really tall,” he says. Yes I said, he is.

Then he starts to tickle me. He finds that I have not shaved under my arms in a few days. The discussion moves to why men have longer hair than woman under their arms. I am utterly grateful for this change of pace that I go on and on about body hair until he is actually yawning at me. Before he gets upset again I kiss him goodnight and leave.

I am beyond upset and totally devastated. Yesterday I had such high hopes for today. Feeling like we had turned a corner on our healing. I learned that I know nothing about grieving. The process is one step forward and two miles back. I am crying tears of pain for my children and I am so angry.

I go outside after I tucked him in and threw snowballs at the tree. I wish I could yell and scream into the air but I would wake the house and the neighbors would call the cops. I am just in agony right now.

It is one thing for you to do this to me. I can take the pain and misery. I am old enough to deal with my emotions and deal with this pain. But your children, how could you! How could you f*cking do this to your children - you selfish selfish jerk. How could you do this to three defensive children who do not deserve this agony.

I should be dealing with the children complaining about their dessert being too small or the TV being turned off. I should not be dealing with this. This awful selfish choice that you made and left me with. I should not have to be dealing with this death stuff.

It is just really unequivocally not fair.