Complaining

Anything out of my mouth tonight will just be complaining. It has been a rotten day and my husband is dead so I have no one to complain to. Therefore I am forced to write a blog to hopefully feel better. Good luck to me.

The day started with my cell phone ringing at work and some person looking for my dead husband. Really – what is wrong with everyone? Eight months later and you still call for him – did you not get my million phone calls? Do you not read my blog? WTF!

Then the calls just kept coming. Each and every one of them contained different bad news. My children’s Hebrew school burnt down. The amazing family, who has taken my kids under their wings, protected them, who was the Rabbi at my husband’s funeral are all condemned out of their house and with nothing. I am devastated for them and their children. I am only thankful that no one got hurt.

I cried after I heard the news – it is not fair. The horrible things that happened to wonderful people.

Forgot all the other phone calls – I am just pushing it all away. I can only deal with one crisis at a time – everyone else who has it in for me can take a number.

Then I got home and opened the mail. Still most of it has my dead husband’s name on it – just great. Then there was a letter from school. My daughter got into the kindergarten program I was praying for. I was so excited and picked up my phone and didn’t know what to do. All I wanted was to call and tell you this amazing and exciting news. All I wanted was to share this moment with her daddy – but you are freaking dead – so I couldn’t.

Instead I sent a text to my family and friends and tried not to think about you.

Then the second half of an already crazy day begins as the children are home from school. Your precious daughter – your sweet lovable daughter is an absolute nightmare – no doubt about it. She pushes me to the brink of insanity day after day after day.

After hours of crying and screaming and teasing her brother - I finally took her dinner away, put her into bed fully dressed and told her to cry and scream I wasn’t going back in and go to sleep.

She cried, she screamed, she howled forever. Then she started crying for you. I want my daddy! I want my daddy! Over and over and over until I was sobbing beyond belief as I sat outside her door – feeling horrible, helpless and so very very alone. I did go back. I know I should not have - but I did. I held her in my arms and let her cry for you till she passed out. All I kept thinking is that is should have been you comforting her – not me!

I know I should not complain. This life I lead is not as horrible as some – and yet all I want to do today is cry and scream – just like my four year old. It was not one bad thing that occurred today - it was just a lot of little things that grate on my already on the edge existence. My emotions are wrapped in shards of glass and they scrape and hurt me if one single thing goes totally off kilter.

I am a mess today and it is not even your fault – not really.

I think I may have to go visit you this week. I just need some alone time and miss throwing rocks at you. At the very least I can show you the letter our daughter got – maybe it will make me feel better.