Messiah

The weekend went pretty well despite yesterday. My son told me he knew it was Father’s Day, but he said it without tears. He did say this to me as he was running through the water park with a million other happy children. Death was the farthest thought from his mind. We were all so caught up in this new fun element – it was easy to forget what was going on outside in the world. I was pretty fine myself. Only the glimpse here and there of father’s doting on their children did my heart ache and my tears come.

There were so many distractions for all three of us; there wasn’t a lot of time to dwell on you being dead. My children were so doted on by their grandparents, aunts and uncles – they didn’t have a second to feel sad. I spent the day trying not to think about the day. Only once did I sit and look at photos of you and think about last year – until my mother scolded me for making myself miserable – thanks mom. I also called my father and father-in-law secretly, so my children wouldn’t hear me wish them a happy Father’s Day. To my step-father who we spent the vacation with, I hugged him and just whispered the words in his ears.

The only glitch in my weekend happened weeks before. My children attend Hebrew School and I have spoken often about how amazing they are and what a good influence the Rabbi and Rebbitzin have been on my entire family. I still love them, but sometimes, for me at least, religion can cause trouble.

About two weeks ago my children had a lesson which involved learning about the Messiah. My children were taught about what has to happen in the world for the Messiah to return. Apparently (mind you this is in the words of my children) everyone has to be really good and then heaven will close and all the dead people will return to Earth. They told me this as they returned home from Hebrew School one night. They didn’t say anything else – just this. I was worried about this new information. But when two weeks went by and nothing more was said, I thought they forget all about it.

Then on Friday we drove to the Poconos with my sister. As we sat on the highway stuck in horrid traffic my children started telling my sister all about the Messiah. “Did you know”, they said, “when the Messiah comes heaven will close and daddy will come back to us.” I sucked in my breath, gripped the wheel and kept on driving. My sister just looked at me with shock and dread in her eyes. I just shook my head at her and neither of us said anything. I was trying to come up with something to say – but even after four hours in the car - I had nothing.

Thankfully I distracted them by pointing at road kill and we talked about how gross it was. But it seemed that all weekend, whenever they got the chance, they talked about when the Messiah comes they will see daddy. As if this event was right around the corner. I guess I should have seen this coming. Of course the children are going to think this after being told the story of the Messiah. For eight and half months we have all been telling them that daddy is gone and he is never coming back. Now it seems they have a found a loop-hole in the system and they are not giving up on this theory no matter what.

At some point over the weekend I looked at them very seriously and very sadly and said, “it would be wonderful if the Messiah could come. But we will not see this happen in our lifetime – daddy is not coming back.” I waited for tears. Instead they both looked at me and said, “No mommy, you are wrong” and just walked away.

My good friend, who also sends her children to Hebrew School immediately called the Rebbitzin after I sent her a desperate text. The Rebbitzin agreed to meet with the children tomorrow before their graduation to clarify the story and help them understand a little bit about what she told them. She said she is going to tell them how G-d needs daddy with him and how important it is for daddy and G-d to be together. I am not sure this is going to work. Hopefully they will listen to her better than me. I just pray they are not disappointed all over again.

I am really not upset or angry at anyone about this. In fact, maybe it is better to be harsh now in the early stages and not let them dwell for years and years living with the hope that he may return. It feels mean to deny them this fantasy – but I think it is unhealthy to let them life their entire lives waiting for something that is really never going to occur. Maybe I am a bad Jew, but for me right now, mommy with dead daddy trumps religion.

I am sure tomorrow will be a hard and sad day. But tonight I am just laughing to myself. I am sending the children to day camp in a few weeks run by a Catholic School. There is absolutely no religious instruction at all – but still they will be hanging out with plenty of children who do attend Catholic School. G-d only knows what new theories of daddy’s return they will come up with then. Wait till someone tells them how Jesus came back.

Heaven help me.