Is That All You got?

I am not even sure I can write tonight. I may just be too upset and angry and over the edge. Shocking I know. But I push myself tonight because if I don’t get these feeling out of my system I may burst.

I feel like I have not had five minutes to myself to mourn my husband. Since the moment he died I have been racing from one catastrophe to the next. I am constantly dealing with numerous impossible situations without ever taking a break. I still wake up each day in utter disbelief, nod at his ghost lurking in the shadows and then run to the next disaster that awaits me. It never stops. I can’t breathe. I can’t breathe.

If someone were to sit down and write the worst case scenarios of a person’s life; were to write about whatever could possibly go wrong for one person – they need only follow this blog.

How much can one person endure in such a short time? Forget about the fact that I have one dead husband and two small children – plus an older step-son dealing with all the death and pain and guilt, now add selling a house and packing and moving. Now factor in cleaning up the enormous mess my husband left in my lap. Now add that I went from a stay-at-home mom to a working single mother – add this all up and what do you get – me! Exhausted, insane, stressed to the max just me.

Every single time I think I have gone through the worst of it, every single time I think I have turned a corner, every single time I think maybe today I can sit back and take a breath and just be – some wrench that feels larger than life gets thrown straight at my skull.

I don’t know what to worry about first. I don’t know which way to turn. I am spinning in circles of confusion and doubt and the worst part is that I have no control at all. I feel like my destiny has been written and the lines are zigzagged, drawn by a three year old with a bold black marker. I hate this – really.

My four year old has become impossible. One day she announced she was quitting ballet. Though I know she loves it, she just refuses to go. She complains about going to school and cries on the days she must go full time so I can go to work. I let her quit ballet but obviously must stay strong about school. Regardless I worry and feel awful every time she cries. I hate my husband on these days because this is his fault. The hating doesn’t help – well maybe a little. But is this change in her a delayed reaction to her dead daddy or is this normal four year behavior? Is she trying to become more independent or is she just trying to make me crazy? How the hell am I supposed to know what is going on? All I know is the awful feelings and worry that live in my soul. I know mom, we all need therapy. It is on my to-do list.

Tonight at bedtime my six year old started asking me questions about what happens to your body when you die. “If your brain stops working does it go to heaven with you? He asked. I said no. When you die your heart stops beating and your brain doesn’t work and your body just shuts down. “What is shut down?” he asked. It is like an off switch I say. But your soul – the part of you which makes you special goes to heaven. “Well how does it come out?” he asks. I said didn’t know. “I think it comes out through your belly button,” he says. Maybe I respond. “Or maybe it comes out your mouth,” he states. I told him whatever he thought was probably right. This went on for a long time – just what I wanted to talk about on a day like today.

He wasn’t sad when he asked. He was just trying to understand the concept. I could see the wheels in his brain turning as he tried to scientifically figure out where the hell his dead father is.

I wanted to yell and scream at my husband I am so upset with him today. But I can’t. The worst part is that no matter what I deal with, whatever problems I face - he is still dead and there is no one to blame for this mess I am in. I am left feeling angry and sad and just so tired of this all. I am forced to write it all down so I don’t stat screaming at my computer which will do nothing but wake my children.

I want to go to your grave and pound at the dirt and cry and yell and scream at you. But I won’t. I usually end up feeling horrible on these angry days – because you are dead and missing out on this beautiful life. You are missing your children every single day so how can I be angry with you. You were the one suffering and blaming yourself for your failings – how can I be angry at you. So I am just left to be angry at the world.

I just want one thing, just one single thing to go smoothly for me. Am I asking too much? Can I just have something work out for me – please!

I know sometimes I feel very alone – but my friends and family call too much and stop by and help too much for this feeling to last too long.

I may be having a bad day today – one of the most frustrating days in awhile and I know it can always be worse. I just hope for once it will get better.