Sunday, March 14, 2010

Sunday

Everyday is like Sunday. Everyday is silent and gray. Not my words – they belong to Morrissey. But I feel them just them same.

I am angry today and can’t figure out exactly what is bothering me. I have a plethora of choices, but I just can’t seem to pinpoint what IT is. Maybe I am angry that this is my lot in life. That my husband chose to end his life leaving me just here; feeling alone, confused, sad and scared. I feel like everyday is exactly the same and this angers me too.

Everyday that I wake up should be viewed more positively. I should wake up each day thanking G-d for all the blessings bestowed upon me. Be thankful for my wonderful children, my health, my family and friends. Instead I wake up angry that once again it is just me – all alone to face the day - another Sunday.

Somehow today I am more upset than yesterday. I decided yesterday I was getting tired of crying every Saturday. The tears caught up with me and today I am just bewildered that five months have past. It is not that his death doesn’t seem real – it does feel real now. It gets more real every day. Maybe it is the move that is fast approaching. That I am really going to leave this house. I am terrified by the idea of moving. I am not sure which worries me more. That I can sit in my kitchen and picture his every move or that I will soon be in a new kitchen and I won’t see him it all.

I am haunted by his presence and yet I fear that when we move I will lose the only thing I have left of him – images of him all over this house. I just can’t believe it has been five months since I have talked to him, that he has made me laugh like no one else can. I can’t believe it has been five months without nothingness, the loving married nonsense of nothing that you live for and don’t even know you live for until it is gone.

I am rambling now – I just can’t get my thoughts together. I am just so sad and angry today and miss him terribly. I feel like a broken record. Feel like I am just playing the same song over and over. Maybe it is the rain, or losing an hour of sleep or maybe this is just how grieving feels. The roller coaster of emotions that hits without warning and without permission. Grief doesn’t seem to abide by any set of rules and just takes over my soul. Grieving is time consuming and eats away at you until you just feel like an empty shell.

I promised my son today after sitting at the table crying for no reason that I would be a better mommy after we moved. He told me I was a pretty good mommy now. I cried harder. He laughed at me. Apparently the children are so immune to my tears they are unfazed by them – or maybe they aren’t and they hide what they are really feeling. Which makes me want to cry more.

The Jewish holidays are approaching and I don’t even care. It won’t bother me that he won’t be there. These holidays are only difficult because it bothers everyone else. The family will be looking at the empty chair by my side and giving me sad smiles. They are not used to the empty chair. I live every day, every moment with an empty chair at my side. The holidays are just another day to me.

These awful sad feeling have got to subside soon. I mean at some point I have to have reached my full capacity for sorrow. At some point won’t my brain just say – “Hey, you know what – I think we are good here – you won’t feel sadness anymore – you have reached your lifetime quota of sorrow and tears.” I am waiting for the message to come down from my brain to tell my heart. I am waiting because enough already – really!

Then my brain will say - Get packing, stop crying and for the love of G-d wake up tomorrow and appreciate what you have already. Hopefully my heart will listen.

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