UP

What is the expression? We make plans and then G-d makes our decisions. Whatever it is, that’s what happened to me today. The kids and I were supposed to go to New Jersey today to spend the second Seder with my husband’s family. But my six year old woke up vomiting – so those plans were shot.

I was worried about him and then just frustrated with the constant illness going on in my house. Instead of being angry that my husband wasn’t here I stopped myself and soon realized there was nothing I could do about it. So I ended my pity party and the kids and I and the “bucket” sat in front of the TV and put on a new movie – “UP”

I should have known not to trust another Disney movie. Disney is just evil and twisted and seems to have more family issues than me. But I am naive and always seem to let them into our lives, even though I should just boycott the entire enterprise. We watched as the movie unfolded. A man and woman meet, get married, grow old together and then she dies – of course she freaking dies. The rest of the movie we watch as the old man tries to figure out his life without her. I am explaining this to the children as they are not really sure what is going on and sobbing as I speak. I watch as the old man wanders the house missing his wife, and kissing photos of her. Just like me I thought – exactly like me.

The man decides to continue his wife’s life long dream of going on an adventure. He takes a million balloons, attaches them to his house and away he goes. The story takes a turn and at some point the man must leave his balloon house in order to save a child’s life and the house floats away – lost forever – along with all the photos of his wife. I was utterly devastated for him crying for his loss again. The little boy who was saved says to the old man, I am sorry you lost your house. The old man looks at him, smiles and says, it is just a house.

I sat there transfixed to the screen. I felt like I was watching my entire life unfold in an animated movie. I was so empowered by this man’s courage. It dawned on me that I should be stronger than I am. I need to stop worrying about this house and worry more about my family. I realize most of the time I dwell on silly inconsequential things – like the house and really need to stop looking back. Instead I need to take a long look at where I was, where I want to be and then keep going.

I packed the rest of the day. You can’t possible know how painful it is to take pictures off the wall that I once thought would be hanging here forever. It hurts with each and every one. What upsets me is that I don’t know if I will have the courage to ever put them back up. I took our wedding photo and wrapped it carefully – the smiling faces of a past life looking up at me. But by the end of the day I had almost packed them all.

The house is looking emptier and emptier. I am trying not to feel sad. Instead I am trying to feel empowered by what will hopefully be better for us. We move two weeks from tomorrow, but there is still a lot left to do. It is just not easy to do. Not the packing – that is mundane and basic. But packing up my old life, saying goodbye to what was supposed to be forever – this is difficult, impossible – awful.

My father-in-law called me today to wish me a happy holiday. The moment I heard his voice I started crying. I sucked back the tears so he wouldn’t know how upset I was. I haven’t talked to him in months and the second he started talking I just pictured him speaking to my husband and was so sorry it is just me he is getting on the phone. I find it so difficult to talk to him – I feel like I let him down and just feel so sad for him – words fail me.

The more I pack the more items of my husband I stumble upon. Clothing and things I could not throw away five months ago. I still can’t. I look at his old sweatshirts and think, I really shouldn’t bring this and then in the box it goes. I took his suit, his shirts, his tux and shoes and put them all in a box. It makes me feel like I am bringing him with me. I have no idea where it will go in our new place – all I know is that he is coming.

The week after my husband died someone gave me a little book called Grief Therapy. I never even opened it until today. It has some very poignant sayings inside, but the one that struck me today was “Mourn not just for the loss of what was but also for what will never be. And then gently, lovingly let go.”

This is what I am trying to do today and tomorrow and the next. Pack and purge, physically, mentally and spiritually – for myself and my children. I owe it to my family to do the best I can.

Tomorrow if we are vomit free, I may take the kids to the movies. They want to see “Diary of a Wimpy Kid.” So help me if anyone dies in this movie I will just walk out – and not look back.