Thursday, May 20, 2010

Blank Pages

This morning when I stepped into the shower and pulled the curtain closed I was immediately transported into the garage. It was uncontrollable. I closed my eyes as the water sprayed me and I was looking at your body lying on the ground and reliving your final moments. I tried to push past these thoughts and back to reality but I couldn’t. I had to ride the wave of emotions that crashed around me as I wondered why it never occurred to me to check your pulse.

I was trying to catch my breath and as the tears poured down my face the children stormed in arguing about nothing. Suddenly I was right back in my bathroom, trying to shower in five seconds while two sleepy kids demanded all my attention, regardless that I was covered in soap.

So begins another day in the life of me. It has not been a great week. I am tired and irritable and the children are being their usual good selves littered with moments of absolute horror. I am tired – really tired. I am on sleeping pills and still tired. I am having nightmares but am not remembering them.

I am worried about the future. It leaves me feeling unsettled and unsure. I have dealt with so much over the past seven months and all this drama has conveniently distracted me from the bigger picture – my future.

Once not long ago I was married living in my cute house with my perfect children and I felt like my story was written. I knew where I would be in five years, ten years. I knew what direction life was taking me in.

Now when I try and look ahead at my future I just see blank pages. I don’t know what is coming next. I don’t know what it is I am supposed to be doing and how to even figure it all out. All I know is my children and so I work on figuring out their future. Mine is such a catastrophe it is like staring into the sun – just too much to look at all at once.

I think about my children everyday and how to make their lives better and sweeter and more fun. I try and fill their blank pages with wonderful adventures. Then in the middle of no where and doing nothing my son will look at me and say, “It isn’t fair. I only got to see daddy for six years!” Then I feel crushed like all my hard work is for nothing – but still I push forward. Somehow we are all supposed to go and live our life, act normal, smile and just move on. Even though on the inside we are all feeling tortured – especially me.

My family and friends are always telling me that life or G-d just has a different plan for me than the one I first thought. That someday I will be happy again and someday I will have a new plan that fills my blank pages.

It is not that I doubt them. It is just too difficult to see anything but what is right in front of me. I am so consumed with my day to day life that I find it impossible to plan anything. I am going to ignore the future for the time being. Ignoring my problems seems like the right thing to do.

Acutally, I am just going to focus on the possibility that tomorrow I get a shower without interruptions from children or demons.

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