Hate

Three separate times this week all three of your children spoke the same words. “It is not fair that you are dead.”

How – how do I possibly work around this impossible situation you dumped in my lap and your ex-wife? How do either of us figure out how to save our children from the selfish stupid idiotic really upsetting and terrible thing you have done to your children?

I am so angry with you right now I want to scream. I want to run to the cemetery and chuck your stone as far as I can throw it. I want to see you so I can yell at you face to face. I am livid. Mostly because I feel helpless and so sad and frustrated. Forget about me – I am done feeling sorry for me. But your children are going to feel your absence forever – and this is just one minute too long.

You had three children who only worshipped the ground you walked on on. Who lived for your smile, love, hugs and kisses - and you killed yourself. How dare you do such a thing to them! How dare you ruin such perfect innocent children!

How could you taint their little hearts with a sadness most people never know? How could you - you selfish jerk.

Yesterday I started a blog, (but didn’t finish) about how much I was going to miss you this weekend. How this long weekend was so family oriented and how I remember last year so well and how much fun we had.

F*ck that blog.

I don’t care anymore about how great last year was. I hate you and hate what you did to us. Hate with a passion coursing through my veins so strong right now about what you did to my children and my step–son. It is awful how bad I feel right now that I am typing and crying and punching down the keys so hard to get these words out that I am bound to break them.

It doesn’t matter that kids are resilient and it doesn’t matter that time will help them heal. Your eldest son is old enough to feel the pain that I feel. To truly understand what you did. To feel the sorrow and maybe the guilt and have all the unanswered questions we adults must live with. At nineteen he should be looking forward to a wonderful life ahead of him – but now he is devastated by your loss and I am reeling with hate.

Your younger children are too young to understand anything but your absence. This is enough terribleness for such small ones. Someday they will know the truth of your actions. I only hope the anger inside me has subsided before I must face that moment. Becasue I don't want them to remember you with anger - only love.

Your children will never have a father for the rest of their lives. How did you think they would be better off? How could you walk away from them? I just don’t know. It almost doesn’t matter why anymore. The fact is that you did it – you killed yourself and the rest isn’t your problem any more. Thanks so much.

Nothing you deemed bad in your life was worth this. Not one single problem you had was worth leaving three wonderful children without a father – forever.

Today I hate you - I really do.