Yesterday I was fine. I spent maybe five minutes at home. The rest of the time I was outside enjoying the beautiful day with my children and friends. I knew it was Saturday and I just ignored it. Today I can’t stop crying.
I don’t know what is wrong with me today. I just can’t shake the tears or the sadness. Today I miss you so much it hurts. I miss everything I lost when you died – I miss you so very very much.
Friday I went to the cemetery and it did not help. Maybe it is the presence of your stone. I used to be able to go and pretend I was somewhere else. Outside alone in nature and I could talk to you and it was peaceful. I can’t ignore what is right in front of me any longer. The headstone with your name shouting out to me makes ignoring your death impossible. It is hard to sit there now and talk to you like I once did. It is hard not to see the photo your children left or the little stones they placed everywhere. Everything is different now.
I didn’t stay long on Friday. I didn’t cry and didn’t even talk to you. I just stared at the stone waiting for the tears and waiting for the release of the tension and anxiety that comes after the sobbing. Nothing happened and I left feeling unsettled even more. Maybe this means I go too often. Maybe this means I am never going to find you. After seven and half months I have still not found a trace of you anywhere.
All weekend I have watched couples, well stared at them, while remembering you. Looking at them and trying to figure out where we went wrong. Looking at them and wising you were by my side. Every time a husband took his wife’s hand or put an arm around her shoulder I felt awful, empty and sad. I couldn’t get the feeling to go away.
Today I was at a birthday party and I was miserable. Miserable for being miserable and for always being the sad girl. Tired of people looking at me and thinking, “There is that sad girl”. But I could not find the energy to walk over to people to make small talk and no one approached me. I couldn’t find my fake smile anywhere and after a while I didn’t even care. I just stood off to the side, wringing my hands, pretending like I was watching my children play, when really I was watching all the couples.
My children cried tonight as well. They miss their father so much and it just feels awful. Maybe it feels worse today because yesterday was such a lovely day. There were no tears and no drama and we all just had a nice day. Today your four year old cried in bed because she just misses her daddy. She asked me if she would see you when she dies and the bile in my throat rises when she asks questions like this. Your son is more matter of fact – I do not want to hear the words daddy and death he says. It makes me think about my daddy and it makes me sad.
I can’t undo what is done and I can’t make anything better. I am no better than them. I may be able to say the words daddy and dying in the same sentence but when I look at a husband and wife walking away from a birthday party with their child - I fall apart.
Nothing seems to be working this weekend in making me feel better. Not a beautiful day outside, a trip to the cemetery or even writing this blog. Maybe Monday will come and I will be too busy working, cooking, driving around getting the kids and doing whatever else I do that I just won’t have any time to remember how miserable I am.
A part of me just wants to stay in bed and cry. But that is so not me and I hear it doesn’t work anyway.
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Although our situations are different, I remember having similar feelings after Mike left (after 10 years) and wasn't coming around anymore. I was surrounded by all these happy families and I felt alone, unloveable, sad, angry and wondered how I would help Chloe feel whole and happy. I, like you, focused on my daughter and friends. It helped, but every morning I woke up early and cried and would run home from work holding in tears and run in the bathroom to cry (so Chloe at 2 1/2 wouldn't see me), and cried after she fell asleep. I remember it hurting so badly and desperately wanting somehow to release the intense feeling of pressure from the sadness. I too put on my fake smile and went on with my life and watched all the happy families around me and wondered what I did to deserve this. But over time, slowly, I started to feel better, hurt less. And Chloe loved having the families around, it felt like her family and support.
ReplyDeleteI definitely changed as a person, but at some point I was able to feel happiness again. I know it will always hurt at some level, but you will feel happiness again; and your children will be happy too, because YOU are their mother. They are very lucky to have you.
BTW Sam, you are not seen as the "sad girl". but a kind, beautiful, sweet, amazing Mom. Sad is the symptom that you are supposed to feel after what happened. Do we feel sad for your loss?, of course, but that is not who we think you are! You are so loved and I am so grateful for your kindness when I was struggling. Well enough of my sappy yapping... I know you don't like to ask for anything, but I would love to take the kids anytime so you can have time for yourself. I would even take them overnight so you can party like a rockstar.
Well, love you and miss you. xo
Tiffany