Sad Saturday

Today was a sad Saturday and I only have myself to blame. Some days I just can’t get that black cloud to leave me alone. It should have been a better day than it was. The sun was shinning we had birthday party plans – but nothing seemed to make my empty sad feelings go away.

Maybe because it has just been a terribly long week. Nothing seems normal and there is just so much to do and so little time to get anything done.

The children were such a nightmare today. We had an early doctor’s appointment and then I took them for donuts and to a bookstore. It should have been a nice Saturday morning – but it wasn’t. Throughout it all they just didn’t listen to me. They are defiant to me and fight each other. Probably normal behavior for 4 and 6, but it just wears me down until I am left helpless. It is so very difficult being a single parent; more difficult than I ever imagined. This was the kind of day where I am at my wits end and every little thing sets me off. The kind of day my husband should have been here to rescue me. He would tell me to take a walk – lie down and rest – read a book – something just to cool off and calm down. But he isn’t here to rescue me anymore – and it makes my horrible black cloud seem even darker.

I picked up my friend and her children for the birthday party. The moment she opened the door I just broke down in tears. I feel like the world’s worst parent today and it is mostly because I just don’t know what I am doing wrong. Maybe I am too strict on them. Maybe I am not strict enough. I just don’t know anymore. Maybe I am just tired and the move has taken such an emotional toll on me that I am out of patience, energy, whatever it is I need to get me through tough parenting times. I have a lot of help. I really do. This is not what bothers me. It is the emotional stress that never leaves – that will never go away. This is what causes me stress and grief and . . .

She went out to the car and talked to my kids. She helped intervene for us. We had a much better day after that. We laughed and hugged and cried and I hoped the rest of the day would be just better. I guess it was – for a Saturday.

Our new house is not feeling like a home yet. It just feels like a place where we live now. I am not even close to being unpacked or settled in and our normal routines are still not quite there.

I go into the new backyard and our tree isn’t there. Nothing is familiar and maybe I am just unsettled by this. I miss you so much. I miss being in a place where I used to see you live your life. It is painful to be somewhere you have never been. It hurts and makes me so upset – it is probably what is making this place not feel like home – you are not here.

Your ghost is not here and there are no pictures of you anywhere. There aren’t any pictures up anywhere – but I miss seeing your face. I thought if I didn’t see you every day smiling from the walls I would feel better. I don’t. I feel worse. I feel like I am not sure what to do with photos. Nothing feels right. I am just keeping them in a box in the middle of my bedroom until I decide. Maybe I will never decide and the box will just remain where I step over or around it - never making any decisions.

I hate feeling this way, so out of sorts, so sad and tired. I hate feeling like my life is a mess and I don’t know where to begin. I thought once the move was over I would be better. But now there are just new sad thoughts and worries and concerns.

I am trying to keep it all together. I am tired of defending my actions to my family. I am tired of everyone telling me what they think I should be doing. I wish no one knew where I moved to. I wish I changed my phone number. I wish I could just be invisible for a few more months. I wish the children would behave better and hope it is not my fault they act this way in the first place.

I just want to feel happy and normal again and I don’t ever see this happening. I feel worry and dread and hate the phone calls that will come from this post.

I just want the world to leave me alone for while and let me unpack and be miserable in peace.