Two Beers

I had two beers with dinner tonight – and then it was all over. As I was getting the kids out of the shower I actually walked over to the telephone to call you. I saw my hand reaching out to grab the phone and then all of a sudden I gasped. In just an instance I had forgotten you were dead, thought of something I wanted to tell you and then was reminded all over again that you could not be reached. All it took was two beers. I didn’t cry or get upset, but I was so amazed that such a thing could happen. Is this a good sign or a bad one? I am not sure. Maybe because it was a beautiful day and I had pizza and beer with my friends and life for a moment felt normal – that I momentarily forgot how miserable I actually am.

Maybe this is the key to everything. Distracting myself and throwing myself so far into living that I don’t have to time to feel sadness. Maybe because your photos are not in the house yet – maybe because I am just trying so very hard not to look as bad on the outside as I feel on the inside.

I went back to the house today. I have no idea why. I stood in the backyard and just felt a comfort I don’t feel anywhere else. It is the same feeling I get in the cemetery. A terribly sad feeling that is overshadowed with sweet memories of you and of our life together. I wish someone would change the freaking locks already so I can’t go back. It is enough that I have the cemetery to go to. I could easily spend all my time shuffling back and forth between the house and the cemetery, just living in the past until I probably go crazy. I should give the keys to a friend and just take control of my own actions. No – I don’t see myself being that proactive.

Your six year old son has lost his two front teeth. I can’t believe you aren’t here to see his goofy, yet adorable face. This is such a quirky milestone in a child’s life. The only moment in time where they have no front teeth. They talk funny, can’t eat well and as the larger teeth come in – they grow up almost right in front of you. Some days I just really can't believe you aren't here to share with me all the joys of our beautiful children.

You are missing so much these days I almost can’t keep track. I have found myself feeling very odd this week. I feel sad but the tears don’t come. I almost want to cry to release myself of some of the burden – but they just stay intact.

We are slowly getting used to the new house. Very slowly. I find I have a much harder time adjusting then they do. I am more annoyed with the new house then anything else. Everything is different and I still walk around lost and out of sorts.
I just don’t feel like this is home. I am surrounded by familiar items but they all seem foreign in these new surroundings. I am trying to be patient. Trying.

I keep making promises to myself for the coming months. I have a wish list going on in my head. I want to calm down and stop feeling stressed out. I want to have more fun and go on enjoyable adventures with my children. I want to stop feeling like I am on an emotional roller coaster. I don’t want to go to one on one therapy. I have called someone twice and twice I have hung up before leaving a message. I just don’t feel like spending the time and energy on something that I think is a waste. Nothing anyone says is going to bring my husband back, make me feel less guilty or sad or whatever it is I feel.

I feel like at times I am much better when the voices in my head – aka my family stop harassing me and telling me what they think I should be doing. No one has walked in my shoes and yet everyone seems perfectly content telling me what I need to do to fix my situation.

At this point the only advice I am willing to take is to drink two beers and hang out with some friends.