Shopping

I really hate shopping. Yes, I am one of those freaky girls who hate to shop. If I do have to go into a store, I know what I want before I go. I get what I need and get out. Quick and painless - that is how I shop. I am not a browser, if I am in a store for any long periods of time I get antsy and impatient and just leave.

So now I am shopping for a headstone. This is some kind of cruel joke, because you can’t just walk into a store for a headstone. Or maybe you can, but I just won’t. All I know is that I went to Target today and they don’t have them – they have everything else of course – but not a headstone. I started looking on-line at photos my mom sent me, but it is just too surreal to be doing this. So I did what I do best – I ran off to the cemetery to look for answers.

I went in with a mission, which really didn’t help my overall reason for being there, but it was a bit distracting. Instead of head down, hurrying to my husband’s grave, I read every stone along the way. I tried to notice the intricate designs that went into each stone. I tried to think about the person who had to make the decision to put this headstone with this design and these words just so. There are a lot of dead people in this cemetery. The stones go on for miles. You can really get caught up in each and every family member and try to figure out who is married to whom and why they picked what. It is like a dead soap opera.

I sat at your grave in the wet grass and cried some. I asked you what you wanted on your tombstone. There was no answer and you were no help at all. I ran down a few scenarios with you. It seems almost ridiculous that this is what I did on a beautiful spring day. Sitting in a cemetery talking to my dead husband about what his final resting place will say. I was so angry with you today. Just so sad and angry that I cried out of sheer frustration.

It feels terrible to miss you so much and be angry at you so very much. I am trying hard not to think about you being dead and then there is this. An event that is so totally focused on you. This is all about you and it just brings back so many emotions I have dealt with over the past six months. This is an impossible task. It is awful and terrible and truly overwhelming. Deep down I just don’t want to do it. I want the perfect head stone to just magically appear with the greatest saying ever and I want to not have to do a darn thing. But really, if I was making wishes – I would just wish this whole thing away and have you back in our lives.

Your six year old is sad this week. He misses the old house. He misses his daddy. I am full of anger and grief. Today would not be a good day to write the message for your stone – it may say “big fat jerk” or something more awful. I will wait till tomorrow and hope I am in a better frame of mind.

I am trying to do this the right way without thinking about it. Does that make any sense? I am trying to find the right words that don’t exist. I am trying to find a message that your children and someday grandchildren will read and know that you were loved.

Maybe it should just be blank – because deep down there are no words for how I feel.