New Life

My new life starts tomorrow and all I want to do is vomit. I am so sad and missing you today and I am so resentful too.

Tomorrow will probably be hard for a lot of people I know. Tomorrow school starts after a long winter break. Tomorrow my glamorous, luxurious life as a stay at home mom comes to an abrupt halt. I start a new job in New Jersey and I am terrified. Not of the job per se but being so far away from my children. It gives me anxiety.

I am putting my four year old in school for a longer day and have all kinds of back of plans if I am late to pick up my son. I have a laundry list of changes that will occur tomorrow and I can’t breathe. I must now rely on my friends more than ever and I feel bad. I feel frustrated that I must ask so much of others when I was once so independent and able to handle my life and my children on my own.

Forget about the millions of other items I must care for on my own – I feel like I have more pressure on my shoulders than any one person can handle. I am trying to figure it all out and yet just when I think I am doing OK, I realize that I still just want to sit in the dark and cry and miss you and not do a dam thing!

I have this house to worry about, bills to pay and a budget to sort through. Dinner and laundry and a home that looks like a wreaking ball went through it. I don’t know where to start and where to find the time to even think about doing something. At the end of each day my children are still crying for their dead daddy and are having nightmares and I just lie in bed unable to sleep and weep for us all.

Sometimes I think there isn’t even time to grieve. Maybe this is a good thing. I am just too freaking busy. I know I said I would look into therapy for my children and myself. I can’t even keep up with the day to day life that I wonder when I am supposed to squeeze therapy in for us all. I have to get the children their 2nd dose of swine flu and I have no idea how long it has been. My almost 4 and half year old never got her four year check-up. I am so annoyed with myself. This used to be things I was on top of and now I just can’t keep track or keep up.

This crazy I life I lead would be so much better if my husband were still alive. I need his help so much and he isn’t here and I just can’t stop crying. I am so tired and I can’t sleep and I am so stressed out that I just feel stuck. I know deep down I have the strength to do this – I just need to focus and not let every little thing drive me crazy. Sometimes I just get overwhelmed about being a single mom it is a terrifying thought – that for now and forever it is just me me me.

It doesn’t matter how much help I have or who is there for me – nothing matters when the one person who was supposed to be here with me day in and day out – to help with all the minutia of life is just gone.

Well I have to stop feeling sorry for myself. I must be strong for my children and myself and look at change being a good thing. My new life will better – it just has to.