No Stopping

I am too tired to cry. I want to but I am just utterly exhausted from this week. I feel like I started out Monday on a race course and I don’t see the end in sight. It has just been a long freaking week.

I am a little proud of myself for all that I accomplished this week. My multi-tasking has hit an all time high. I scrub the shower while I wash my hair, I brush my teeth and fold laundry and eat dinner while I blog. There just isn’t down time – not now and not ever.

I am not happy that I have rushed my children through this endlessly long week. There was very little fun and barely any laughs or smiles from any of us. I have not enjoyed this week at all and their childhood has been pushed aside for things that must be done. I have more respect for my working friends than ever before and more so for any single moms I know. Ladies – I don’t know how you all did it without bitching and moaning like I am now.

I have a night stand full of books I never get to read. They are either Jewish books of mourning that people send me or give me or vampire books that I look at every night before I fall into the abyss of my bed – for an hour or two. I have so many shows saved on my DVR that I can’t watch and a boot leg of New Moon calling to me – but I have no time for relaxing – those days are far far over.

This weekend does not look any easier as far as I can tell. I have birthday parties and ballet and family coming to visit. The non-stop world I now live in is not giving me a break.

Would this be the life my husband wished upon me? I don’t think so. I don’t even blame him for the mad mad world I now embrace. Most of my life is very much the same – there is just more work, more planning and more sadness added to the mix. I haven’t had time to mourn him this week – expect for my brief visit to him on Tuesday – I haven’t had time to think about our life together and what has happened. Are these distractions a blessing? I am still not sure.

I seem to think about him here and there and then I realize I am going to cry hysterically and just stop myself. There is no room for sorrow right now. I must just keep going.

I am thinking about thinking about going to therapy next month. My friend found a group that meets once a month – “woman whose husband’s have committed suicide”. I guess that would be me. Though when I think about group therapy all I picture is “One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest” and I worry about who is going to be there. I picture all the crazy people talking to invisible pets and yelling out curses and all the insane people who seek out group therapy. Then I think about “Fight Club” and all the people who join group therapy just for the thrill. Maybe I am looking for reasons not to go. Maybe I will fit in perfectly to a motley group of woman who have lost everything and need to vent.

I think mostly I am afraid of sitting in a room with a bunch of strangers and then I will start to cry and not be able to stop. I have never been good at first impressions and don’t see me starting now.

I am too tired to write – I feel like my thoughts are all over the place this evening and I must stop. I don’t feel inspired like I have in the past.

Let me sum up – I miss my husband so much I can’t breathe. I feel like a crappie mother and my house is a disaster.

I pray for a better way to live. I pray that all that haunts me soon has some closure and I pray that my children sleep till 8 a.m.