Monday, January 4, 2010

Not Funny

I tackled the GWB today. I figured if I am going to spend a lot of time with this bridge, I really need to get over it soon. It was the hearse that seemed to follow me all the way home from New Jersey that really pushed me over the edge. I am wondering if you are sending me bizarre messages from the grave. Trying in your own sick sense of humor to tell me that you are around, watching over me and protecting me.

I have a better idea honey – send me mysterious flowers or make me trip over something while a Led Zeppelin song comes on. Hearses following me home for over 30 minutes – so not funny!

Overall I think the day went well. I didn’t get fired and I didn’t get lost. I was able to pick up my son from school, while a friend picked up my daughter. Another friend had pizza delivered to my door so I wouldn’t have to cook tonight. I received a lot of encouraging texts from my fab five. I have really really awesome friends!

The only thing I kept thinking today was, OK I got through this day – what about tomorrow? I know I really can’t think about tomorrow in this way. I have to look forward positively and joyously and believe tomorrow may bring a great many things.

It is amazing to me that I spent all day missing my children, all day thinking about them and hoping they were OK on the their first day back. Then when we finally get to sit down to a family dinner they are yelling and fight about silly things. They won’t eat their vegetable and only want ice cream and I am wondering if I can start sending them to school for 24 hours.

I am exhausted and am missing my husband tonight. I still every once in a while go to pick up the telephone to tell him something. I do this in a very absent minded way. I never actually get to phone as I seem to catch myself as I am looking for it and then I realize I can’t call you. It is very upsetting to me when this happens. For a split second I have forgotten you are gone and then I am reminded painfully that I will never hear your voice again. Will never hear your reassuring voice and will never be able to share how wonderfully annoying our children are these days!

I still have not had any dreams about you. Maybe the Ambien is a dream blocker. Maybe you are just too busy to come visit. I keep seeing signs in the world and think maybe it is you. There was a Blue Moon on New Year’s Eve - for anyone who knows me – they know how significant this is for me. I thought this truly must be a sign from you. You somehow wanted to share this night with me and this was your only way.

Maybe I am going crazy and just really looking for some sort of connection to you as time moves on. I am really feeling like I want to visit you again but the fact is I am such a woose. The idea of standing in a cemetery freezing my ass off crying and chatting with you – well we’ll see.

I wonder if I will ever be able to take the children to see you. If I will ever have the strength to bring them. Not until they are much older of course – maybe they won’t want to go. Maybe it will just be my thing that you and I do alone.

I miss you and your really bad sense of humor. I need a good laugh right about now. I wish you were here tonight to make me laugh. But if you are watching and you have an inkling of what I am going through – no more hearses please. Anything but that . . .

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