Sunday, January 31, 2010

Stagnant

I feel like my life is stagnant right now. I am not getting over this loss though I try and move forward everyday. I am just at an impasse. Things that need to get done are moving at a snail’s pace and I am frustrated with everything. Life seems to be the same everyday and I am frustrated. I am sad and missing him and working hard to keep my children busy and distracted. Rinse and repeat. This is my life and nothing I do seems to change it.

I feel very boring. There is nothing new in my life except death. After three months this is old news to many – so I have nothing to talk about. My friend’s father wrote to me that I need to find others in my situation because my friends will soon move on to their own lives. I hope they are – moving on that is. I hope no one continues to feel like me – cause being me really sucks.

I spent yesterday at a bowling party with some of my favorite families. I tried not to think about it being a Saturday and just tried to enjoy my friends. I just kept looking around for my husband and thinking how much he would have loved the day. Being around people he cared for and could talk to and just enjoy laughing at the children attempting to bowl. It was fun on some level for me and utterly awful on another. Mostly I feel like maybe I am not ready to be social, but I force myself. I am not ready to smile and laugh but I force myself. I have a battle going on inside my head and it keeps me distracted from what is going on outside in the world.

My sister asked me last night if I am still angry. I said no. I stopped being angry a long time ago. The more I learn about depression – the less angry I am at my husband, but the angrier I get with myself.

For almost a year I saw my husband struggle, yet it never occurred to me he was depressed. I saw him stressed and upset, sad and angry and also happy. I thought it would get better. He never said he was depressed, but maybe he didn’t have to. He wasn’t the man I married for the last year, but there was a lot going on – and so much out of our control. I really and truly thought if we got our lives back on track he would be back to his old self. I never thought deeper and wider like I should have. I never really looked at him and asked myself what is really going on here? I never imagined he would kill himself - never, ever, ever. I never saw where his life was leading, where he was going and that maybe it wasn’t really his fault. So no, I am not angry. I am so upset with myself for not seeing what was right in front of me and doing something - anything.

Maybe this blog means I need therapy to start soon. My family thinks my once a month group is not enough. They have no idea how painful therapy is and I am truly grateful it is once a month. I am dreading going again and yet wondering what keen insight I will grasp this time around.

At night I still feel like my husband is just at work. I don’t know when this disbelief goes away. Every night still feels the same. No matter how many times I say it out loud, read the note, visit the cemetery - this just doesn’t ever seem real. I feel sometimes like I am forcing myself to accept what is reality and yet my brain and heart are conspiring against me, as they just refuse to let it in.

Like I said I am at an impasse – not moving forward and not looking back. Maybe I will tell the group at therapy about the turtle. Maybe they will kick me out for being insane and I won’t have to go anymore. That at least would be new.

No comments:

Post a Comment