Tears

I woke this morning dreaming about pounding on the garage door. It was an awful way to start a day and left me feeling empty but for the aching in my heart. I lay in bed for a moment trying to get the image of your face to go away. It still hasn’t.

The day continued on a downward slide. I brought my six year old to school and just as he was about to walk in the door he looked at me and said, “I am sad that daddy died.” Then he disappeared through the school doors. I stood there in the snow looking at the door, wondering what to do next. He didn’t come back out. So I left, with the pain in my heart now growing. My four year old cried when I dropped her off to school. She never cries about school – never.

For reason unknown we were all on the same awful wave length today.

I sat on the bridge for twenty minutes while they cleared away an accident. Someone cut me off and the next thing I know I am sobbing uncontrollably, yelling at the steering wheel - please don’t be dead, please don’t be dead! I don’t know where it came from. I just could not stop crying. The tears just continued with the day. I cried at work and then again on my way home. I just have not been able to shake the sadness or the tears today.

Yesterday I wasn’t even half this bad. I took my daughter to the eye doctor for a check-up. The waiting room was filled and I noticed after a while that many were children with special needs. Some young children and a few teenagers were there with both their parents keeping a watchful eye on them. I saw the exhaust and frustration in the parent’s faces. I share that same look but for a much different reason. I saw how much work it took just to keep them calm and under control in a waiting room. My heart went out to them as I watched my daughter sit quietly playing with toys or sitting on my lap snuggling. I was reminded at how lucky I am. How life could be even more difficult for me. I have two beautiful, healthy children and I try to remember how good I have it on many other levels.

I occasionally do have these moments of clarity, when I realize I need to take stock in what I do have and not what I have lost. I try and tell myself this when I am freaking out on the bridge – but sometimes logic gets completely lost in sadness no matter what I say out loud.

I think about how far I have come in three short months. How much I do everyday and realize once again, I am blessed I have so much help. I would still be in bed if it weren’t for my family and friends.

Every morning when I walk my son to school I usually see at least twenty people I know. Now you all know why I wear mascara at 7:30 in the morning. Regardless of what kind of day these people are having, they always make sure to send a smile my way. Personally, I have given up trying to hide when I am having a bad day. It seems ridiculous to even try.

I used to try and hide my tears during the morning walk. I am so over this. I have done so much crying that I don’t even bother to wipe the tears away anymore. I don’t care who sees them. No one ever has to ask me why I am crying and I almost love this. Not having to explain my tears is the greatest gift my friends and neighbors have given me. Tears are just a part of my life now and they probably will be for a long time.

Therapy is in a week. I am dreading it. I am anxious about it. I am kind of looking forward to it. I don’t think I will have anything to say this time. Nothing new has occurred. Grief and I are at a standstill. I am not growing as a person and not falling apart – well except for today. I am trying to prepare myself for what I will have to listen to and worry about saying something stupid.

The only thing that doesn’t worry me is crying. I am not afraid of the tears that I know will show up. I will bring them, use them and then they will come home with me.

My four year old has 102 fever tonight – so that at least explains her crying. Me – I have no other excuse except for grief.