Four Months

Wow – has it really been four months. It sounds like such a long time. But then I think that it has only been 16 weeks, 112 days; it doesn’t sound like such a long time anymore. It certainly doesn’t feel like you have been dead very long. It feels like you died today. I continue to feel raw and horrible inside and am still amazed that this is real - that you are actually gone. It feels like no amount of time is ever going to make me feel any different.

My children wake up every Saturday way too early. Like 5 am too early. Of course yesterday I was dragging everyone out of bed to get ready for school. But today when we can all sleep in, they are up at 5 am. It seems to make the start of every Saturday that much worse.

We drove to a birthday party this morning. On the way we passed a cemetery. For the first time in his life my son noticed a cemetery. He pointed to it and asked me if daddy is buried there. I said no, that daddy is buried in a different place. That was as far as the conversation went. We went to the party, which incidentally is five minute from “the” cemetery, and I thought maybe after the party I would take the children there. I figured it is four months, tomorrow is Valentine’s Day - maybe we would be ready for this.

The party was fun – the kids had blast and then we left the party with three heart shaped balloons. I had this image in my mind that we would go to your grave and tie the balloons to your sign and the kids could see where you are. I got them into the car and said, “We need to go to Trader Joe’s, but what if we go to the cemetery first?”

My son looked at me and asked, “Will there be games and rides there?”

I felt like someone had slapped me across the face. What was I thinking even contemplating taking them there? Why did I have this imagine in my mind that we would get there and everyone would be cool with it? That leaving their balloons would somehow make the moment not so awful and they wouldn’t be horrified by the idea that your body is buried deep in the earth under rocks and snow.

How did I even think I could go without hysteria taking over every ounce of my being? How did I even entertain this notion for longer than a second? Maybe I just miss you and want to see you so badly that I was willing to risk my children’s sadness and my own mental health for just a brief moment in your presence.

Going to the cemetery this early on with the children - bad idea. Just bad. Maybe the worst I have had in a while. Why did I want to go? Because every time I visit I think maybe you will be standing there waiting for me, to tell me it has all been a horrible mistake and you are alive. This is probably what my children would be thinking too especially if I said – “Let’s go see daddy!” They don’t understand fully where you are - I certainly don’t either. It may be four months but this is all still too new, too soon, too unbelievably painful to think about. They cannot go to the cemetery yet - I can’t take them – not yet – just not yet.

This all went through my head in about two seconds – then I looked at my children and without a moment’s hesitation said, “Hey, let’s go to Trader Joe's and buy lots of snacks!” And that is what we did.

They never realized how awful a mistake I almost made. They never asked again about the cemetery. I never even answered him about the rides and games – thank you awesome goody bag for that distraction.

We got home and I opened the mail – just love opening the mail. There was a letter from a monument company stating they heard I might need their assistance. I started to laugh. What kind of a letter is this, I am thinking. What kind of sick stupid person sends out these letters. Then I stopped myself; maybe it was a sign from G-d, my husband or even the universe – who knows. Telling me that at the right time I will have an unveiling of your tombstone and that is when your children will visit your grave.

Definitely not after four months with some red hearts balloons – sometimes I think I am going crazy. Sometimes I am thankful I catch these crazy moments before they go into action.