Vomit

Things are moving faster than I ever imagined. I might have to move sooner than I thought. I was worried and upset over the past few weeks, because I didn’t know when I was going to have to move. Now I almost know. Now I want to vomit more than I did yesterday.

I looked at an apartment today. It is maybe 15 houses from my home. Same block, same neighborhood. The same and yet very unbelievably different. I told them I would take it. I barely care. I should probably go look at lots of places. I don’t have the strength or the will to do so. This fell into my lap and I am just going with it. I actually just don’t care. All I know is it’s not my house and not my own. Nothing else seems to matter. I tried to picture us living there and wanted to vomit even more. I hate change. No I loathe change. Change seems to be the only constant there is in my life. This is too much. I can’t breathe. I must remind myself to take breaths, because otherwise I may just forget.

My friend came over today and helped me pack. She was amazing. I just sat there and watched. Now there are boxes everywhere and I am suffocating. I almost told the children we are moving. Maybe I will tell them tomorrow. Another miserable Saturday. Maybe tomorrow I will put on my game face and tell them the truth. We have to move because I see your dead father everywhere I look. This is partly true. I won’t actually say this. I promise.

I feel like telling them is a great hurdle I must face and I need to get it over with already. I lie in bed at night worrying about everything. Now I have new things to worry about. Because there just wasn’t enough to think about last night; now I will wonder how my furniture will fit. How will I take apart their bunk beds and will my son be allergic to the dog upstairs? I can’t breathe again.

I am not sure how I am supposed to do this all. There is no time in my life for everything as it is. How am I supposed to fit this major move in? I just don’t want to go and I want to leave tomorrow. This house is golden handcuffs. I see my dead husband everywhere and stay away from some rooms because I can’t bear it, yet this house is my foundation. The one constant I have had all these months. The house is my sanctuary where I can hide from the world. It is comforting to me and nothing else feels right. I am so tired of not being normal and the world is upside down and it is all out of my control.

I hate change and want everything to be the way it once was. But this is just not possible. Nothing will ever be the same again and it seems to be going on and on this way. Change and more change and I just want my life back. Please just let me have my life back!!!

To say that I am overwhelmed is almost funny. I just want to vomit. I just want to feel human again and wonder when this happens. I wonder how he thought we would be better off without him. How my husband thought his death was any kind of solution. I know I shouldn’t dwell on thoughts like these. I know that this thinking gets me nowhere. But I can’t help it. I just wish I could have done something different so life would not be what it is right now.

Change and chaos – that is all I am living in. I still feel like this is happening to someone else. That I am going through the motions but none of it is real. That I will wake tomorrow and all will be as it should. Everything is happening so fast and I can’t catch up. I am ten steps behind my life. I fall further behind every single day. This sucks.

I hope I am making the right decision. I hope my children can be happy in this new place. I hope that for once in my pathetic life change will be for the better. I hope I just don’t vomit.