Tooth Fairy

I am so done with this all and am ready for you to come home now. The joke is over – it is not funny anymore. Please come home now.

This really cannot be possible. This cannot be true. You cannot be dead. It feels so terribly wrong and part of me is just unwilling to accept it. The longer time goes on the more unrealistic this all feels. I actually dug your note out today because I think this is all one big freaking joke and totally can’t be happening. But your note is a harsh reminder that this did happen. You are truly dead and not coming back ever. Somehow this happened without any warning and I feel very small and sad and the what if’s are just terrible these days. Just plain awful.

Yesterday I woke up in battle mode. I was ready to take this Saturday on and not let it get to me. I didn’t cry and I didn’t wallow in misery – at least not right away. I took the children to the earliest movie I could to battle some demons, “The Tooth Fairy”. There is no father in this movie, which I was kind of happy about. But the mother does have a boyfriend, who proposes at the end. So after the kids were done trying to pry their teeth out for money, they asked me when I was getting a boyfriend to marry. I suggested we go to the supermarket and buy apples to work on prying their teeth out. They left the boyfriend question unanswered. I am seriously done with the movies forever!

At the market this crazy old lady approached me to tell me how lucky I am to have a beautiful boy and girl. I smiled politely, thanked her and moved away. She proceeds to follow me saying again and again how lucky I am. I am nodding and smiling, but after ten minutes of her going on and on and on I just want to turn to her and say; “Lady, my husband killed himself 17 weeks ago – luck is for other people.” But I didn’t. I went to the next aisle and started looking at rat poisoning instead and she left me alone.

The rest of the day was fine. Just fine.

Today is another story. Today was a beautiful day and I stayed inside the whole day. I just did not want to see the sunshine. I did not want to feel warm air on my face. I keep thinking that come spring I will be better. Come spring when the icy world defrosts and everything will be reborn again, so will I. That come spring I will be in a better frame of mind. But what if I am not? What if I stay icy and frozen inside as the world blossoms? I couldn’t risk the world smelling like spring when I am still a total mess. So we just stayed inside and hid.

I can’t even write about what is really bothering me and keeping me up at nights. But soon I will have to get it out. I can’t freak out on my own without my blog. I may just need to vent big time – but not now.

Tonight I am just still bewildered. People I know don’t kill themselves. People I know don’t go through this. I feel like I am living in a bad Hallmark channel movie and am waiting for the director to come in and feed me my lines. I don’t know what to do next and I don’t know what the future holds. I hate this.

Maybe tomorrow I will buy the children caramel and we will really get those teeth out; anything to distract me from reality. I hope it snows tomorrow.