This is what I know. My life has forever been altered with an all consuming sadness that has engulfed my children and me. This is what I don’t know. Everything else.
Late at night when I can’t sleep I search the Internet for people like me. I hope sometimes I will stumble across a website that will have the answers I seek. Though to be honest, I seek without even knowing the questions.
Suicide websites are too much for me. There are so many of them and they all make me feel worse than I already am. I read the many stories of others who are dealing with this awful situation and none of them bring me any closer to understanding anything. The only connection I feel is their pain.
I Googled young widows thinking maybe that would help refine my search. The first site that comes up is a band. Who knew there was a band in New York City called Young Widows. I have no idea why they came up with that name or what their story is. All I know is that Googling did not help. Other widow sites that come up are about dating a widow and to watch out. Nausea creeps across my soul as the word dating goes into my mind and quickly exits. Not now, not ever I think.
The next site I come across is for windows. Apparently the genius who makes Google thought widows and windows are the same thing. Well I do feel made of glass sometimes and feel like everyone can see right through me – maybe not such a bad match after all. I am now an expert on windows – go ahead ask me anything.
I am thinking about not blogging any more. I can’t deal with the side issues that have erupted due to this blog. In other words my family. Maybe I need a secret blog so I can complain to myself about my family. Maybe they should all just stop reading it. This bog is all about me. ME! This is where I come to when I am feeling my worst. This is where I get to put down all the feelings inside of me so I don’t go crazy. This is my outlet for pain and misery. It makes me feel better to write that which I cannot say. It helps me process the feelings and emotions that I need to some how deal with.
Yet when I am upset on this blog, you are all worried. When I pour my heart out on-line you worry. You should worry when this blog stops because then I have truly lost myself. It has only been through writing again that I have found the me that I lost many years ago. I need this blog and I need you to stop focusing on everything I am not doing. I need everyone to leave me alone.
Apparently when I am sad and miserable I need more therapy and drugs. When I am not sad and miserable, I need to be doing more to fix my life. I am dealing with my dead husband after four months. I am trying to raise my children and figure out the rest of my life. Need I remind you that I see my dead husband everywhere and relive finding his body day in and day out? I am trying to do the best I know how. And if my best is horrible that is still the best I can do.
I am not going to a one on one therapist. I don’t need someone to tell me this was not my fault. I don’t need someone to tell me I am strong and someday I will get past this. I don’t need someone to tell me that my husband made his own choice when he took his life and that I need to carry on living. I know this is all true. It doesn’t make the here and now any easier – even if the person saying it has a P.H.D.
I don’t want to take anti-anxiety drugs. I am sorry if you think drugs are the answer. I am sorry if you think I yell at my children too much. I am sorry if you think I loose my temper and am too stressed out. What if I take drugs and still act this way – are you going to suggest electro shock therapy?
This is also all I know. I am doing the best I can. I am trying to not be miserable all the time. But all I want to do is be miserable and maybe I deserve to be this way right now.
Maybe I will give the children guitar lessons and we will start our own band. We will sound so horribly depressed we will make Morrissey look like Elmo. Just Google it.
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Samantha,
ReplyDeleteThere are no answers for the questions you seek - not on the internet, not in therapy and certainly not in drugs.
Blogging your troubles is a very brave thing and I think (I hope) it's been helping you. It's obviously your call if you want to stop but if you must, then make sure that it's because you want to stop - not because somebody else has an opinion.
Your family needs to realise that the world has changed for you. Unfortunately all their advice and wishes will never be enough to heal your wounds. You have to do it yourself - and in your own time - when you're ready.
Even then, it's going to be more of a "sealing over" than actual healing.
I'm sure that your family means well. It's likely that they just don't know what to say or do.
Please, please, please, keep writing! Whether you do it on the blog or in a journal, it doesn't matter. But you have such a gift for putting your feelings into words and focusing on what this experience feels like to you. It may seem that you aren't laying these demons to rest, but every time you write, you are expelling them. And I for one am glad you have shared them with us. In four months, you have nearly 50 people who have joined you on this blog journey. 50 people who care! I hope you realize that and whether you continue here or not, we will continue to think of you and hope that the road ahead is better than the one behind.
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