Freak Out Girl

You can’t possibly know the freak out occurring in my brain these days. I am trying to fight the freak out and some days calm me is able to rationally keep my other evil self at bay. But lately freak out girl – she is on a roll.

I am going to move. There I said it. I am going to leave my home for the last five years. The only home my children have ever known and the place where I see my dead husband wandering around daily.

This may not seem like such a big deal to some. Maybe someday I will read this blog and wonder why I was freaking out. But today, I have several hundred reasons why I find this acceptable fodder for freaking out.

I have moved 20 times in my life. Yes, 20 times I have packed up all my stuff and moved somewhere else. When my husband and I finally bought this house all I thought was - I will never have to move again. Since I am 7 years old and the constant exodus began, I have only wanted someplace to call my own. Moving to this house was my husband’s 21st move. He never wanted to move again either.

There are two things I never wanted my children to experience that I did as a child. Living in a house without a father and moving from place to place. I am officially two for two. I feel like I have failed my children on so many ridiculous levels it is mind blowing. I have now literally given them my horrible childhood and even gone above and beyond the horrors any child should know. I should get a trophy.

The worst part about having to move, well I am not sure yet, but I have a list. It starts with not being able to paint the walls black, worrying the children will break something that doesn’t belong to me, never feeling like we are really home and not ever wanting to put pictures on the wall; because when you start to move from rental to rental - you just never stop.

I wish I could ask my husband what to do. I wish I could cry to him and tell him what is happening to us. I wish he were here to help me pack. I hate packing and I hate looking around at all the objects I have accrued through this marriage and wonder what am I supposed to do now.

I have not told my children yet. My mother warned me not to say anything too soon. If I told them today they would be asking me for the next few months, “When are we moving? Are we moving tomorrow? Where are we going? How many more sleeps?” I have no answers for them.

My mother also told me to make the move sound exciting. Every time we moved she made it sound like we were going on an amazing new adventure and we couldn’t wait to move. I need to get rid of freak out girl before I tell the children. I need to keep a huge smile on my face and look excited. If am crying while I tell them, they are never going to believe me when I say this is going to be great. I certainly don’t believe this at all. So I will wait until I can control my emotions; until I have a clue as to the where and when.

The whole world is open to us now. I could close my eyes and point to a place on the map and say we are going there. I could really go anywhere at this point. But the truth is, I just want to stay in my neighborhood. I am surrounded by the familiar and friendly. I love this place. I love the people and I love the strangers. I love not having to explain my daily tears and the comfort my children have from living in a warm and friendly environment. I may be losing my house but I will not let us lose our home too.

So for now I will try and fight my misery. I will push the thought away that sometime soon I will have to hand my dream house over to another family; for their dreams to flourish while mine are crashing to pieces. I will try and not think about the wonderful times we had here and how much I love my house.

I will try not to think about all that I have lost these past four months. My husband, my dreams, my joy and now my house. Everything I thought was important I have lost. All I am left with is my inner strength which is being taken over by freak out girl.

My children are the most important thing and I need to remember this when freak out girl is winning. I will remind myself over the next few weeks that this house is just four walls. All that matters is my healthy, amazing, happy family. What is in between the four walls is the only thing that is really important.