Turtle

I woke this morning knowing I was going to the cemetery. I walked my son to school, only to discover it was snowing. I then drove my daughter to school and by then the snow was coming down even harder. I told myself to go anyway. I really wanted to see you and was trying not to be discouraged by the weather. By the time I got to the cemetery it was a blizzard. I could barely see in front of me with the amount of snow falling, but I persisted. I thought maybe I would drive right up to the grave instead of walking. I drove in but my wheels started to skid and slide. I stopped and turned back to the parking lot. The last thing I needed was to get stranded in the middle of a cemetery during a snow storm. That would just be my luck.

So I bundled up and walked in. I trudged through the snow slipping and sliding my way around. I thought at the very least I am entertainment for the ghosts, as I fell a few times and got soaking wet.

I found your grave and was relieved to see your name covered with snow. I knew it was there, but I didn’t have to see it right away. It was a peaceful sight with snow covering the ground and the graves. The gigantic, beautiful flakes that fell from the sky were just perfect. I find sometimes the need to visit your grave to make everything seem real. I still see your face and hear your voice so perfectly clear in my mind – it is impossible to imagine I will never see you again. Not in this life anyway.

I started talking to you. Well, I started complaining to you. About everything bothering me and stressing me out and then the crying started. I am sobbing very loudly and just can’t stop. I don't want to stop - I am trying to push every ounce of sadness out as tears fall from my face. I told you how impossible my life feels right now and how I just don’t know how I am supposed to do it all alone. How much I need you today and everyday and hate being on my own. I feel like I am lost in a swirling chasm of chaos and everyday feels like the same – one big mess. I am trying to just get through the day not hating everything. I am trying to get through the day being a good parent and taking care of everything that needs to be done. Some days it seems possible – some days it feels like the weight of the world is tearing me to shreds.

I cried for quite a while and talked more and more. About important things, about nonsense, whatever comes out. I was freezing and getter colder by the second, but I couldn’t leave. Sometimes I feel the cemetery has become my new hide out; a place where I can escape from the reality of all that encompasses me. No one can find me, no one can bother me and I can escape somewhere inside myself. I almost feel like time stops when I enter here and I can breathe again. But then I look around and my breath gets stolen, as another part of me just wants to run out. The reality is my dead husband is buried beneath my feet and it is an awful, gut-retching feeling.

It is a bizarre dichotomy of feelings – not wanting to leave and not wanting to ever have to be here in the first place.

I brushed the snow off your sign so I could see your name and left a hand print in the snow. I left rocks on your grave from our backyard, where you and I slaved over last summer and will now never appreciate. Maybe if I come enough times I can just transport our backyard to you.

Alas, eventually I left to face the life of the living and deal with whatever comes my way. It is inevitable. The snow was almost completely gone two hours later. It was like someone or something was trying to keep me from visiting you. Maybe it was you telling me to stop feeling sorry for myself – or maybe I am just reading too much into the weather.

Later today I took my four year old to the doctor for her shots. I felt very alone and sad as my strong girl screamed the entire time. Though I usually was the one to bring the children to all their doctor visits, I would always call my husband right after to give him the update. There was no one to call and it left me feeling very empty inside.

I promised my daughter a hot chocolate from Starbucks for being so brave. She and I sat on the couch; lounging and acting carefree when I asked her if she wanted to call her Nana. She said O.K. and she talked for a bit. As soon as I started to talk she said, Mommy get off the phone! I asked her why. I want to call daddy now, she said. I told my mother I had to go.

I looked at my daughter and asked her what she said again. I want to call daddy, she repeated. I was a little worried, so I said to her – you know honey that we can’t really talk to daddy. I know, she said, I just want to leave him a message. I wanted to laugh and then cry. I pondered the situation for a moment. I suggested we call the house and leave a message for ourselves. She loved that idea and so that is what we did. I feel like I am constantly grasping thin air trying to diffuse situations and sometimes, I just hope I am doing the right thing.

My six year old went on a field trip this week to an Environmental Center. I could not go and he was devastated of course. Many parents that did go made a point of telling me what a great time he had. I felt better. But many also told me about how this turtle seemed to stare at my son forever. It just kept looking at him and would not turn away from.

I thought about this all day. I remembered how much my husband loved turtles. When he was a child he owned two, named Myrtle and Gyrtle the turtles. I am convinced that my husband was inside the turtle that day, looking in wonder at our beautiful son.

I know this sounds crazy, but I really believe it to be true. Or maybe I am just reading too much into nature.