Reds

I didn’t cry once today. Probably because yesterday all I did was cry, scream and have my own melt downs. Yesterday was one of those awful days that I hope the children won’t remember and I try to push far from my mind.

We had an early morning appointment and the children were not listening before we even left the house. They were cranky, fighting and needy and I was just out of patience. I promised to take them to McDonalds and though they were misbehaving – I still went. We walked in and before I was even on line to order one was running away while the other was flinging himself onto a chair and spinning around. I asked them to come back to me and no one even acknowledged me in the slightest. I said if you don’t come back now we are leaving – nothing. So I did what any insane mother of two children who lost her husband to suicide 13 weeks ago would have done. I dragged them both by their coats kicking and screaming out the door while every single person in the place glared at me.

I sat them on the stoop outside and reprimanded their bad behavior. They didn’t hear a word I said over their wailing. I realized at that moment they weren’t being so horrible, but I have a tendency to over react when they don’t listen and I am really hypersensitive to every little thing these days. I calmed down, got them to stop crying and we walked back in to try again. Everyone was starring at me and in my mind I was daring someone to say something out loud. I had the words rehearsed to anyone who dared to question my parenting. Fortunately for them, no one said a word to me. The kids ate and played and then we went home so I could cry and cry and get all my stress and anxiety out. It was a Saturday – I should have expected this all along.

There was a light at the end of tunnel for me though. Last night my three college roommates and I went into Manhattan for dinner. An event that is a rare treat as one of the girls lives in Australia. We are all redheads and have been friends over 20 years. I have lived with some of these girls almost as long as I lived with my husband. No one in the world knows me better and it lifts my heart just to be in the same room as the three of them.

We are also extremely bad influences on each other – but really, in a good way. When we are together no one in the world exists, as we are immediately transformed back into our younger selves trying to take over the world – one drink at a time.

We spent the night laughing like we can’t with any other, reminiscing about stuff we can only talk about between the three of us and making a scene like there is no one else around. We love to take pictures of the four of us together – to document our time out. We had an entire photo shoot at the bar making complete strangers take photo after photo of us and then changing positions, fixing our hair and lip glossing our way through it all. It would be embarrassing on a normal night – but when we are together there is nothing but us. Every problem is gone, every stressful situation and worry is out the window and we are just the REDS.

These girls have seen me at my worst and have been there for me every step of the way. They have come to my house over the last few weeks where we have sat and cried and talked. Tonight it was a relief not to talk about my dead husband. It was wondrous to be transported away from all my sorrow and misery even if it was for just a few hours. To remember for a moment who I was a long time ago; to remind myself that I used to be a normal person with a normal life. Even though now everything is just totally fucked up – I have friends who can bring me back to where I started. Maybe someday I will see her again on a regular basis, as I feel like that girl is long gone - but for one night it was fun to pretend to be me again.

As I sat with them at the dinner table I was a little bit sad. I have been a bridesmaid at each of their weddings and they at mine. They are all married with children now and we are all very different from our younger days; well maybe not so different. We just have more responsibilities and concealer. But it is hard to think of starting my life over again when everyone around me is just settling into theirs. It is hard to think about the future stretching ahead of me. I didn’t want this challenge of starting fresh. I was very happy being married and raising my family and living the life I had 13 weeks ago.

Today I made amends with my children and we played all day long; board games and dress up – we just played. I need to remind myself that though a lot has changed in my life, many things have not. My children still love me and need me to care for them and make their lives fun and enjoyable. All my friends new and old are here for me, love me and want the best for me.

I have no choice now but to embrace this life and make the most of it - for better or for worse.