Friday, November 27, 2009

Absurd

There are just some things totally absurd about death. Like the fact that I spent twenty minutes arguing with the cable company to get your name off the account and mine put on. All they kept saying is that the primary account holder was the only one authorized to make changes to the account. All I kept repeating was that you were dead and that you could no longer make any decisions. This really did go on for twenty minutes, back and forth. I didn’t scream, I didn’t cry. I wanted to cancel the account then and there – but I am secretly in love with my DVR and just couldn’t do it.

Finally I said that there must be someone you report to – let me talk to that person. OK – have a nice day was the response. F*ck you, was my response – well in my head. So then I got to talk to a higher up who informed me that there were forms to fill out blah blah blah. I said I didn’t care about filling out forms, but why didn’t they just say that in the first place? Why did I have to repeat half a dozen times that my husband died? What kind of customer service training do they have anyway? He said he was sorry and gave me Showtime free for a year.

How nice. I have a dead husband and they give me free Showtime – absurd.

I am worried today about the children. Worried that when they are acting out or being quiet, it is because you are dead. It is hard to figure out when they are acting like normal children and when they are grieving. I find it difficult to discern when I am over reacting because that is what I do or if I am anxious about you being dead.

It is hard deciphering any of our emotions anymore. They are chaotic and unruly and as much as I understand the why – sometimes I really don’t. When are any of us acting ‘normal’ or is this a word I should just delete from my vocabulary. I have never been really normal, but the fun kind. This not being normal because of suicide, not so much fun and much more confusing.

Our six year was quiet today, intense in his coloring and all he wanted to do was watch TV. Is this him on vacation normal? Or is this him staying inside his own head because he misses you? Our four year old has been having tantrum after tantrum after exhausting tantrum. Is this her new gig now that she is four? Or is she acting out because she misses her daddy? I don’t want to miss any signs they need to talk, I don’t want to push them in a direction they aren’t ready for. I just don’t want to screw anything up – more so than I would normally anyway.

I feel lost in the parenting suicide death world. I walk this fine line of feeling like I am doing right by them and feeling like I am the worst parent ever. I promised to buy my daughter a car today if she would just stop crying. This is going to clearly come back to haunt me someday – but I was desperate.

I threatened my son that I would take away a night of Hanukkah if he didn’t start listening and then I felt awful. I just don’t know the right way to act with them sometimes. I am trying to be the same parent I have always been. Keep the same rules, love them and care for them like I always have. Instill good values and fill them with love, laughter and fun. They get punished when they are bad and yelled at when they are really bad.

I am trying to be the same parent I was before you totally screwed up my life and theirs. I am trying to be the same person I was before suicide, but maybe, just maybe that is the problem. Nothing is ever going to be the same and I must learn how to be me all over again. This I find totally absurd.

1 comment:

  1. About the kiddos - "they" always say consistency with discipline is key, but girl I say give yourself and those precious kiddos some grace right now and rid yourself of the Mommy guilt and give yourself some grace/slack for a "moment" too! And when all else fails sometimes just stop and ask G-d to show you how to handle them and what to do.
    I think about you everyday... and yes that cable situation is ABSOLUTELY ABSURD!!!

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