Pretending

I am going to pretend I am 22 and my boyfriend just broke up with me. This is an experience I can relate to and understand. I have been broken up with and have had my heart broken a million times. This heartache I can deal with. This is an emotion familiar to me and one I know I can get past. Every time I was dumped I soon received a letter saying that they no longer wanted to talk or see me again. Apparently I am not a good breaker-upper.

So I am going to pretend that you broke up with me and never want to see me or talk to me again. I have gotten over many a broken heart. Some quicker than others, but still I am good at this.

What you did is so out of my realm of comprehension and understanding that I must put it into an equation that computes with me. I am good at pretending, like my daughter and her dress up – sometimes acting like someone you're not can be healthy.

Still I go about my day to day life. I am existing on the surface. If I dove down into the depths of my emotions I might never resurface again. Pretending is going to have to work for now. Maybe forever.

I do need to come up with a few new adjectives though. Saying I am fine is getting tiresome. I am asked all day long how I am doing. I say I am fine. The kids are fine. We are all fine. What the heck does fine mean anyway? I have said it so many times it has lost its meaning. Does fine mean I am about to throw a plate at the wall or my shoe across the room or cry and scream and yell at the top of my lungs? Then yes, I am fine.

The truth is, I don’t know how I am. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing or how I am supposed to be feeling. Does anyone? What would you do? This experience is totally foreign to me. That is why I going to pretend. My world has been turned inside out and upside down and I can’t figure out anything at all. This I am not pretending.

My children still have their busy busy lives. I still need milk and there is always dirty laundry. My house needs to get cleaned and the phone doesn’t stop ringing. I do all of the things I did before and some new stuff. I just go and go and go and try not to look back. Am I pretending that my life is normal? Probably. I am not trying to be strong or take the weight of the world onto my shoulders. This is my life and I just do. I don’t feel special. I don’t feel like I deserve all the attention. I just do and go and feel numb.

My friends are worried about me. My family is worried about me. They are upset when I am upset and worried when I am not. I haven’t figured out how to make them realize that this is it. Life has been completely altered for the rest of my life. I can’t stay in bed all day and cry. I can’t smile every time I want to. I am stuck in the middle of some alternative universe and there is no other way.

I am angry and sad, tired and grouchy. I am trying to find my inner spirit again. Trying to figure out what used to make me happy and smile and get it back. Maybe my happy-go-lucky self is gone for good. Maybe she is just on hiatus.

I am stressed about a lot of things – mostly the things I cannot control. I am worried that my children are going to be scarred for life and try to figure out ways to avoid this. I used to worry that my tongue ring would cause their teenage years to be angst ridden – now I laugh at my simplistic thoughts and wish I had that innocence back.

So for now I am fine – there is always tomorrow. Maybe I will tell you I am OK.