I got your note back last night. It took my wonderful friend a month to retrieve it from the police. They wanted to keep it in your file, but with his connections and hard work he got me a photocopy.
I didn’t remember it all. I read it once quickly the day you killed yourself and then it was gone, taken as evidence. I have been waiting and waiting to read it again. Thinking all this time it would answer so many of my questions. That it would unlock the mystery that has eluded me for so long.
I read it and realized that it was just another clue. It didn’t help at all. It didn’t tell me anything except you love me and you are sorry. Big f*cking help that is now.
So now I am back to the beginning. Back to my trying to unravel the past. What do I do with the note now? I have read it a million times and committed it to memory. Do I carry it with me in my wallet? Keep it under my pillow? Save it to show your children so they can wonder as well.
I feel like it is my last connection to you, and yet when I read it I feel like I never knew you at all.
You must have been in so much pain and yet still in the note your humor comes out. That was just you, making light of the darkest moments even in your last breath.
I wish you could read some of my notes. Read this blog and realize how wrong you were when you said we would all be fine. You never gave yourself the credit you deserved. You never realized how much you were loved. You never realized how very special you were and how much you did accomplish in your short life. Your children are your legacy and they will live on to honor you and cherish you. I will make sure they never forget you or what a great man you really were.
I want to go to the cemetery but I don’t know if I can. When I think about the cemetery I start laughing. I really do. Because the very idea that you could actually be there is so absurd to me that it is funny. Hilarious actually that you are there. Because you can’t possibly be there. There is just no way you are dead and buried. So if I actually get myself there this week I will be laughing all the way.
Then of course I will be crying too.
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Dear Samantha,
ReplyDeleteI do not know you. I was introduced to you by Jenn of Can Mom Be Calm. I just want to tell you that you are very brave for writing this blog. What you are sharing is bound to help many many others either struggling with surviving the same experience or maybe even contemplating suicide.
You write beautifully. I know that you are in such pain right now but know that you are doing a very brave thing - a very right thing by helping others with your experience.
Warmly,
Karen Griffith Gryga
www.lipstickwisdom.com
www.twitter.com/lipstickwisdom
I don't know you either, Samantha. I'm a fellow Sunnymom which is how I found out about your family. I have been so moved by your wonderful writing and your ability to express the range of emotions you are going through. I guess I'm part of the ripple effect in the community, because though I never met your husband, I can't help but feel saddened by his death. So unfair. I will be thinking of you and your kids this holiday and wishing you blessings of peace and understanding.
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