Monday, November 30, 2009

don't read - just venting . . .

Why did you have to kill yourself in the fall? Why? The weather is only getting colder everyday. I have a nice long miserable winter stuck in the house to look forward to. That is just great. Why couldn’t you have done this in the spring? Maybe even on my birthday – that would have been just freaking perfect. At least in the spring there is summer to look forward to, swimming at the beach, the park, the sun – anything outdoors. But no – you didn’t. You picked the fall. F*cking great.

I am tired of the world today. Tired of answering the phone and talking to people on the street. Really tired of the phone, the mail, the e-mails, the texts, the everythings. I hate everyone and everything today.

I am frustrated with life. I am tired of being tired. I am tried of making plans or putting off making plans – I hate the calendar. I hate this feeling of hatred which has replaced whatever was there before. I am still grateful and for everyone and everything but I hate it all too. I am tired of saying I am fine. I really want to say I am really freaking crappy – aren’t you glad you asked me how I am doing. I hate my fake smile and my fake face.

I hate this blog and my computer and the Internet service connected to it. I hate my new bed comforter that my mother gave me. It is not soft and comfy like my old one. I had it for seven years and it was perfect. Now in one swift moment she comes riding in and replaces my old bed with a new one. Does she think a new blanket is going to make me forget my husband is dead? That I won’t look at the bed and still think of him every night. I am not sure. I know she is trying but I hate that everyone is trying to put a band aid on a gashing bleeding oozing wound that a million stitches couldn’t fix.

I am not fixable. I am not even close to knowing what fixable is. I know I am supposed to be looking for a therapist right now – I promised after Thanksgiving I would start to look. But guess what I HATE THERAPY! I hate talking and talking and talking about my past problems, my future problems and the problems I will have and don’t even know about yet.

I actually had a good day with the kids – some minor drama – but all normal stuff. Everything else was just hard today. I am tired of having a hard life and tired of struggling to keep my head above water. I hate that my difficult life just got worse and it is all your fault. And you aren’t even here to yell at. I am the one picking up all the pieces. I am the one cleaning up this disastrous mess you left in my lap. I am the one left to raise two small children and pay the bills and not freak out day after day. The only advice you left me with was that I would be fine – F*CK FINE!!!!!!

My horoscope said that today would not be a good day – that I would want to be anywhere but here. Maybe I should call up the horoscope lady and buy her dinner- this one is a winner!

PS. I just read my own words and actually feel much better now. I don’t hate you and I feel fine!

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