I grew up on fairy tales – happy endings and all that stuff. In fact, I love happy endings and hate surprises. If you know me well, you know how true this is. I despise surprises.
My husband proposed to me on my 30th birthday. I had no idea it was coming. Later that day we were supposed to meet friends for dinner. It ended up being a surprise party with all my family and friends. I was furious. No really furious. My grandmother loves to retell the story of how I looked at the table of smiling faces and turned to my husband and wacked him with my large kick-ass hello kitty bag!
I still hate surprises. I love to reread the same books over and over again. I find comfort in knowing exactly what is going to happen. If it is a new book I skip pages and then go back, less something unexpected happens, I am prepared. I watch movies in fast forward and then go back and watch them in real time. I am crazy, I know. I once told my therapist about five years ago how I hate surprises and she agreed that I was crazy – she really did. She told me that life is a surprise and I should embrace the good and the bad because it is beyond our control.
Suicide has become the biggest surprise of them all. How I lived with someone day in and day out and didn’t see the signs. How I saw pain in his eyes and thought it was something else. How he hid all his anxiety and stress to keep me happy is a burning I feel coursing through my veins. My heart aches when I try and put myself into his world. I think deep down my husband just wanted me to be a princess in a happy ending story. He just didn’t think he could be the prince anymore.
So now I look at life with a slightly skewed vision of the world. Do I let my children grow up in a fairy tale world or do I prepare them for the poison apple and the wicked witch? They don’t know how daddy really died. I told them that daddy had a boo boo in his brain and it made his body stop working and now he is in heaven eating all the ice cream he wants.
What more can I tell such young babies and for how long does it go on? How much more can I prepare them for bad things? How do I keep away the surprises? Maybe I am fooling myself and I can’t. I want to wrap them in my arms and protect them forever, but that is not reality – that is the stuff fairy tales are made of. I guess deep down I know the answer. I must remain strong and just let life go on and follow its lead. G-d give me strength.
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One thing is for sure, Sam. One day your children will be very proud and grateful for the extraordinary bravery and endurance demanded of their mother in this terrible time.
ReplyDeleteOnce upon a time a beauriful person came into the world-even at a young age she started doing for others she hasn't sopped and her giving is endless and selfless. This princess, daughter of The King of the World, has had a tragic event happen and now she needs to learn how to receive. It is going to be hard for someone who thrives on giving but it is possible to learn and it is an important thing to experience. For one who truly wants to give and give right must also learn how to receive healthily. Then she can live happily ever after! Meanwhile, almost every Disney fairytale I know and have seen (and tell me if you think of one)has a missing parent or a parent that dies in the movie. So much for your theory of fairytales being some perfect profile of what life should be,Unfortunately they reflect reality even more now for you.
ReplyDeleteIs bereavement counseling for you and your kids an option at all? You are so strong and so brave for your kids but maybe some guidance as to how to answer some of those very difficult questions your children are asking could help? I am not sure what bereavement counseling is performed for young children but I do know that when my son learns things from his psychologist, a lot of it is through play so it might not seem like a kid-version of adult talk therapy. Just an idea.....
ReplyDeleteI hope you know that your blog is very enriching to me. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us.