Trying

I went to my nephew’s bar mitzvah this weekend. It has been on our calender for two years now. You weren’t there. I was preparing for it to be difficult; spending time with your family, seeing your father and just not having you there. I have been mentally preparing for this since you died. Mostly I wanted to get through the day without having a panic attack and give the children some wonderful memories. I also wanted to pretend all was well and enjoy the moment.

The service was less stressful than I thought. Saying Kaddish for you was the hardest. I have known this prayer since I can remember. But I have never been one of the people who stand up in mourning to recite the prayer. It seemed impossible to say the words, impossible that this was real. But I did it and with less tears than I anticipated.

I spent the rest of the afternoon preparing for the party, I even had a hair appointment. When I walked into the shop there was a girl being serenaded by a man playing guitar and flinging roses at her while he sang. A gift from her boyfriend all the ladies said. For the rest of my stint there all the other woman complained about their crappy husbands and boyfriends. How they would never get anything like that from them. I pinched myself from saying what I wanted to say. “Is your husband or boyfriend alive? Yes! Then just shut the f*ck up and appreciate them!”

I didn’t say this obviously. I just pretended that getting my hair done was a normal thing to do on a Saturday. Except it has been a month since you killed yourself, and nothing seems like it will ever be normal again. I cried when the hairdresser wasn’t looking. I didn’t want her to take it personally.

The party was magical and dreamlike. If you know my sister-in-law, you know she can throw one heck of a party. Her attention to detail is phenomenal. She reminds me of my mother and sister in that way. The amazing attention to detail, is a gene I did not acquire. I spent the evening wandering around taking it all in. Making sure the kids were having a great time and my 19 year old step-son had just enough to drink. The night was going great as far as I could tell. I was getting lost in the fantasy I had created in my mind. I was trying to talk to some people about anything but me, I was drinking cosmos and eating sushi. What could go wrong? Plus, my sister was there to help me with the kids and probably to keep a watchful eye on my mental stability. She was amazing and helping just enough.

It was late in the night and the party was winding down. The kids were besides themselves exhausted but on such adrenaline they were buzzing. I was wondering if they had been drinking too . . . The lights went out, my daughter immediately feel asleep in my lap and the photos came on, a montage of my nephew's life. They were great photos and the songs that went along were hilarious. About the third or fourth photo was one of you and your nephew as a baby. It was like someone punched me in the stomach with all their might. You had an expression on your face that I haven’t seen in a long long time. The expression that I fell in love with.

The tears just started to roll down my face. I sat at the table with your son, your father and brother and I could not stop the tears. I panicked. This was not the time to cry – I had been trying all night to stay away from the past and there it was on a huge screen starring down at me, reminding me of what I had lost. I got up from the table with our baby girl wrapped in my arms sleeping. I prayed that anyone who noticed me leave thought it was because of her. I sat away from the crowd, to a place where I could watch the photos in private. I sobbed harder than I had in a long time. I could not stop crying, I tried to but couldn't, and then I didn’t care. I had held it in all day that the pain was just seeping from every crevice in my soul. I tried all day to keep it together for everyone and myself and I just couldn’t do it anymore.

It seems that these moments just come and I am not prepared. I had gone the whole night strong and in one instance I was reduced to rubble. I am beginning to think that life is going to be just like this. One moment I am living and dealing and doing what I must and the next moment my breath is being forced out like the wind has been knocked out of me. I can’t possibly control myself when this happens. For the most part I can keep my emotions in check. But driving home today I had that image of you in my mind and if I thought about it for more than 30 seconds the tears would just come.

All of our children had such a wonderful time this weekend. They have memories that will last forever about their cousin’s bar mitzvah. I didn’t want this to be the event where all they thought “daddy wasn’t here” and thank g-d it was not.

My sister-in-law once told me that we have to celebrate the happy times because that is what life is all about. She is right. There will always be something stressful in your life, something to worry about and fear. But we do have to remember to celebrate and take part in life.

So I try and live everyday with joy and love in my heart and remember that I have to live more so now than ever before. Try to love more, try to forgive more and just try a little harder everyday.