Sunday, November 29, 2009

Tree

I am tired of feeling sad and angry. I am tired of grieving. I am ready for you to come home now. I am done with all this loneliness and feeling bad. I am really ready to see your face and hear your voice again. It seems impossible that you won’t. I am waiting.

I go through the nightly routine and put the children to bed and then I step outside in the backyard and look at our tree. The one we love to watch change every season, from the first spring buds to the giant leaves to the naked tree. You aren’t here tonight to see the naked tree. I stand outside and look for you in the sky and wonder how you are. Wonder if you can see my tears and hear my sorrow as it echoes through our yard. I wonder if you are still thinking I am fine. I am so not fine.

I spent the last three days in the house just hiding. Hiding from the world, the truth and everyone. A good friend came over today and suggested maybe we go to the park. You mean go outside I asked? We did go, for a little while. It helps to be with good friends. But I find if I am not obligated to leave the house, I really don’t want to. At least the children have school tomorrow and I will be forced to leave the confines of my own solitary confinement and join reality.

The stroller broke on Wednesday. I really needed it fixed for Monday morning. I waited all weekend for you to come home and fix it for me. You never showed up. So today I went into your workroom and had to pilfer through all your nuts and bolts and tools trying to figure out how to fix the thing. I had to stop myself from looking at your drill and missing you to find the right part. I actually fixed it. I wasn’t proud of myself that I did something without you. Not at all. I was pissed that I had to do it and you weren’t here to help.

I think about when we moved into the house and how we swore we would never move again. We finally felt like we were ‘home.’ You joked that you really were never leaving and wanted to be buried under the tree. I didn’t put you there – but I look at the tree every night and think of you. I think about long ago when we were so happy and times were good and am sorry they were so long ago. I am sorry I got caught up in the minutia of a crazy filled life and didn’t pay more attention to your needs. Through all of our marriage, the good times and the bad, I never forgot how much I loved you and am sorry, so sorry, I didn’t see you falling apart.

I can’t even remember if I said I love you on your last day. I think I did but it doesn’t stand out clear in my mind. I hope I did and at the very least I hope you took my love away with you and it is nestled deep in your soul.

I am trying to be brave and strong for myself and the children. I think I was better a few weeks ago – I feel less together as the days pass. I am past the shock. I am past the anger. I am feeling lost in my life. Feeling like there is a whole ocean ahead of me and all I am riding on is a little dinky raft.

I am waiting for you to come home and waiting and waiting. But you aren’t coming back – I know this. But the truth doesn’t make any of this seem better.

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