Where does one begin? I promised myself I should not and could not reveal the most intimate details of my life and yet here I am. Why then do I find myself here? I think mostly because I miss writing and hope that some where at some time another person can find comfort in my words or at the very least laugh because humor is all I have right now.
My husband died 18 days ago. He took his own life. He left behind three children. Two boys, 19 & 6 and a little girl, 4. He also left me - dazed, hurt, angry, sad, and a slew of emotions I haven't processed yet. Well, I really thought my words would flow a little bit easier right now - but I just got stuck. What can I say. I am still waking up each day expecting to see him, still walk to the phone to call him and still can't believe he is gone.
Time is moving in a way I cannot describe. The children still wake up each morning needing breakfast and I still make too much coffee because I make it for him. I take the children to school and run errands and talk to people and yet I have no idea what I am saying. I am smiling and asking neighbors and friends about their lives and still have no idea what I just said. I am a shell on auto pilot and people are saying I am strong. I have a deep ache that pounds away all day and all night and I don't think it will ever go away. In a way I don't feel anything, I am numb. I go through the motions of cleaning up an impossible mess and still look over my shoulder to see if anyone else is there to do it. I am constantly being reminded that I am the adult now and it seems ludicrous.
My children are my life - they come first and I am trying in baby steps to be a great parent - to make their days as normal as everyone else. I am faking every emotion because nothing seems real. Only when my babies tell me how much they miss their daddy - that daddy was a great snuggler or makes pancakes way better than me do I feel anything. Their pain becomes my own and I try and suck it out of them and take it as my own. I need to feel their pain because I feel nothing.
No one knows what to say to me - how could they? I don't know what to say to me either. If I was paranoid before about people talking about me my paranoia stage is over - I know everyone is talking about me - and I don't care. I used to be the most private person - I kept my problems and emotions inside. Yet now that suicide is here my life seems no longer mine alone - my marriage, my children, faults and finances are an open book for the world. Ironcially, here I am blogging complaining about my privacy. I must be out of my mind.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
i love you! you are helping someone. you are helping you and your children.
ReplyDeleteBeautifully written. So real, so honest and I think that it could be used as an outlet and a tool for healing yourself or someone else. I love you so much Sammy!
ReplyDeletei cant see the keys to type anythig clearly, b/c my eys are full of tears, so i jhust want to say ilove ytou and i am so happy you are writing again to inspire you, help and heal you and all uf us together. keep it up-we all need it.
ReplyDeleteur pain and anguish are almost overshadowed by how honest,powerful and selfless you are. why? b/c u r not a self absorbed person, u r for others and now when u r faced with a situation that u should think about urself and the traumatic effects your facing - again its about your late husband and your children. may your love and caring for others be reflected to you by Hashem with comfort and blessing.
ReplyDeletemuch love,
Lauren Feinman
your honesty and writing are helping others. I wanted to say you are in my thoughts. I will continue to keep you there and hope that you receive tons of love and support as you help guide your family through their grief. I am in awe of your strength.
ReplyDeleteDear Samantha, I tried to figure out a way to email you from the blog but couldn't, so I'm doing it publicly. We have a mutual friend who, today, told me about what happened. I'm so sorry. My mother committed suicide when I was 26 and 1.5 years later, when I was 28, my 26 year old brother committed suicide. He was my only sibling. I happen to be taking a class at Columbia's school of social work and just turned in my first paper a week ago. I wrote about children who have lost a parent to suicide. I cried a lot while I was researching (which made it best that I avoid researching in the library). I know I don't know you, but is there anything I can do? I'm crying right now. My mom died 16 years ago and my brother died 14 years ago; but I have not forgotten the hell I was in for so long, and when I know that someone is in similar hell, I can't help but cry for them. Please feel free to contact me anytime. If you don't, just know that someone you don't know is thinking about you and your children. If you do contact me, we don't have to talk about this at all. You're doing the right thing by keeping your kids on track. I can't imagine what you are going through. I didn't lose a spouse and I didn't have kids so could fall apart whenever I wanted, which was good. Take care of yourself. Love, Laila
ReplyDeleteHi Samantha. You don't know me but I live in Sunnyside Gardens and heard about you through some mutual friends. I feel like I have been stalking you all this time reading your blog without identifying myself. You write in that post about the benefit, that you are so thankful for everyone around you, and that you wish you could do something for them in return. I just wanted to let you know that you *have* done so much for everyone who has been touched by your situation, even though it might not be obvious to you. You are awe inspiring in your strength, and determination to keep your kids on track. You have made me realise what I have and how much more I should appreciate things. In fact, it has made me reevaluate a lot of things, and take stock. I'm sure you would much rather have back a husband and a father for your children than to have made some random people feel more appreciative, but nonetheless I think it's important for you to know how much you have given and continue to give to others. Just by being you. You are a wonderful writer.
ReplyDeleteLove and thoughts every day. Yvonne.