Monday, November 23, 2009

Turkey

Tonight is not a good night. You are everywhere except where I needed you, at home.

I am not a good parent tonight. I lost my patience so many times and the kids don’t react to me anymore. I can’t call you at work to complain that your daughter had a thirty minute tantrum over a juice box which just started the day off terribly. I can’t tell you about the trip to the allergist and how badly getting their shots went. I can’t tell you anything anymore.

It seems that everywhere today I was reminded of you, which led to sadness and anger. I am not upset with you today. I am feeling sorry. Sorry that I couldn’t grasp how much pain you were in and sorry that you felt this was the only way out. Sorry that I wasn’t more understanding even in my ignorant position. Sorry that I saw you worried and stressed but never knew the direction your mind was going in. Sorry that I missed all the signs, while wrapped up in my conceited world of stuff.

I am dreading Thanksgiving in the worst way. Not dreading the day, but just your absence. Your favorite holiday of all time because you loved to eat until you might burst. You were always jealous when I was pregnant on Thanksgiving because I had those cool elastic bands around my pants, which let me eat and eat. You loved to carve the turkey no matter if you cooked it or not. Like a surgeon you would slice and dice and of course eat your mistakes when no one was looking. I will miss your terrible turkey jokes and the amount of food you could eat in one sitting.

The school guidance counselor called me today about our 6 year old son. He wanted to update me on his progress this past month. He told me that our beautiful boy is doing great and has transitioned back into school wonderfully. He has started writing about you and talking about you, which they are very happy about. He talks about you in the present form, which they say is normal. He does know that you died and aren’t coming back. The counselor told me that he is too young to realize how much of an impact this will really have on his life someday and I am devastated. The thought that the worst is yet to come sends shivers down my spine and grows knots in my stomach.

The counselor did say that a parent passing is a natural progression in a child’s life, but I don’t think it should have happened so soon. Natural or not, what you did defies the very meaning of natural, but you clearly weren’t thinking about that.

I am told that I will never understand what you were thinking on that day or the days leading up to your death. That depression is such a strong illness my clearheaded mind could never get to your point of reasoning, to make it somehow OK in my heart. That is hard for me to accept. On one hand I want to know how you got to where you left us and need to know the how and why. On the other hand, I don’t really want to feel the pain and blackness that overtook you and deep down know it won’t help me now.

Your children, despite their fighting, tantrums and acting their age crap are amazing to me. They are so resilient and stronger than I ever could be. They are great in school, play lovingly with their friends and love life so much it seems so unfair. So very unfair that they should have to deal with something like this. I worry about your 19 year old. He is at such a pinnacle point in his life – I only hope that he grows stronger from this and pushes ahead to have a beautiful life. I want the pain to go away from us all and let us heal quickly. But I don’t know how to recover from this – how does anyone? The pain seems to have set up camp quite permanently and I don’t know how to uproot it out of my soul.

Maybe I am wrong. I am angry and upset with you today. Anyone who knew you and loved you is angry with you. If they didn't love you they wouldn't be angry. There are a lot of tears and anger in my hood these days. I am angry that you left us behind. That you didn’t think we could fix what was wrong. That you lost your faith in yourself, in your family and in g-d. We have not lost our faith in you – and we will forever love and cherish the happy times and try not to judge too harshly for everything else.

I will try and be thankful for all the blessings bestowed upon me. I cannot possibly have greater family and friends. I am surrounded by an amazing community who showers me with love, support and hope on a daily basis. I am thankful for so many things and will just focus on that for now. What else can I do?

1 comment:

  1. That was a very heartfelt and courageous post. I'm sad to think that you and your family are in such a difficult position.

    I have a friend who has been talking (threatening) the same sort of response to his own family and I can see the hurt it is causing.

    If only people could be thankful for what they've got and understand that there's nothing courageous about taking the easy route. It's a selfish act which only brings misery to those who are left.

    You're right to be angry but your message speaks volumes about love and forgiveness. You are truly inspirational.

    I hope that one day your life will be free of such turmoil.

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