Mom - skip this one!

Tonight I feel pain. Tonight I feel all the hurt of you being gone and am suffering. Tonight it feels like you died all over again and all I feel is pain. Tonight I hear your voice in my mind and it is ravaging me and I feel like I will never be at peace with this. I feel sad and abandoned and hurt. Tonight I am not angry I just feel devastated.

Tonight it is hard to write because the pain is so bad. I am not sure why tonight I feel this way. Maybe because it is a Sunday. Maybe because it was a beautiful day and I never left the house. Maybe just because.

Maybe because I spent time with your 19 year old today and it was so great to see him. But so hard too. He misses you so much and it is hard to see that. It isn’t what he says, it is what he doesn’t say that hurts. We went through your records and cd’s and his baby pictures and I gave him lots of your stuff. He thanked me for giving it to him and I was only so sorry that I had to. Every time a piece of you leaves the house it is like you die all over again.

I am so wracked with sadness it is consuming. It is hard to see straight.

The hardest part of my day as been the nights. The last thing I do before I go upstairs is turn the light out. I never did this before you were gone. I always left it on so you could see your way when you came home from work. Every night when I turn the light out it is a reminder to me that you are, in fact, not coming home. It is a painful switch I turn each and every night, and it seems not to get any easier.

I don’t want to feel this way. I hate feeling this way. This overwhelming grief that crashes over me like a constant wave, building in strength until it threatens to drown me. I am sinking.

I am hungry but too nauseated to eat. I am tired but sleep eludes me. I am wandering around the house lost without knowing where I am going or what I am looking for. I ache in my bones and feel so hollow and empty inside.

I miss you more and more each day. I thought it would be the opposite. I thought I would feel better each day, grow accustom to this new situation. I thought I was growing stronger everyday and I feel weaker. I feel sorrow. Sometimes I just feel nothing.

I can’t find comfort in that which used to comfort me. TV shows I love I can’t watch. Books that I would get lost in are left unread. I can’t find my footing in my every day life. I am not myself and forget who I am. I am sad and I hate being sad and I feel like I will never feel any other way ever again.

I am sure tomorrow I will get a lot of phone calls from my loving concerned friends, for sure from my mother. I am sorry to worry you. Tomorrow I will be better, I am just sad tonight.

I think I feel so bad today because I hurt my back pulling your records out of a closet. It set me back a bit. I can’t deal with physical pain right now –I am fully stocked in the emotional kind. Physical pain hurts and brings to light my other fears about bad things happening to me. It is just me now and I need to be ok all of the time, no matter what. I can’t get sick. I can’t get hurt. I must stay strong for my children. I am also kind of a woose when it comes to pain and you aren’t here to complain to.

I am missing my best friend tonight. Tomorrow will be a better day – it just has to.