Thursday, November 19, 2009

Rainbows

Today was my turn to drive the nursery school carpool. Some days there is nothing better than getting into a car with a bunch of 3 and 4 year olds for the ten minute drive. When they are not arguing about a book or a doll they are hilarious. They also laugh at everything and anything I say. They let me listen to the Spin Doctors and love the song “Two Princes” of course. Sometimes I am forced to listen to “their” music – but we learn to compromise.

Today as were just leaving it seemed like a beautiful day with the sun shinning bright. Then two minutes into the drive it started to rain. I looked up and there straight ahead was a big, beautiful rainbow. Stopped at a light I pointed it out to the girls. They were straining their heads to look out the front window to see. I was running late of course and thought maybe we would just wait and see it at school. But something made me stop – and in that instant I pulled the car over and double parked. I pulled everyone out of the car and into the street. I didn’t want them to see the rainbow through the car’s windows. I wanted them to just see it and behold its wonder and beauty. We stood there in the rain as I pointed out each and every color to them. They oohed and ahhed and it was amazing. The first rainbow I have seen in ages and it was huge as it arched across the entire sky.

I got them back into the car, re-strapped all of the car seats and when we finally drove off again I looked up, and the rainbow had disappeared. I was so glad we had stopped; we never would have seen it at school. I don’t know what made me do it. It was like some mystical force telling me to take every moment in and appreciate the beauty all around us.

Today I am also reminded about how many of my friends and family are grieving. I see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. They are in pain and sad. It is a difficult time for us all. I am still shocked by how one tragedy can trickle down and affect so many different lives. I am so sorry that this happened to my wonderful community. In a strange way this tragedy has made us stronger. Reminded us why we are all friends and neighbors. Reminded us all how much we love and are loved and that we need to focus on the good. I am still in awe of people and humanity. I am overwhelmed by everyone’s generosity and how wonderful they are. I can’t keep track of the niceness.

The kids and I are starting to get into a routine. I feel bittersweet about this. We have accepted that it is just the three of us and we are going about our daily lives. We try and talk about you as much as possible and sometimes we talk about how we don’t want to talk about you. I have figured out how to make coffee just for me. Your son realizes I am taking him to school everyday and not you. Your four year old does and says all the funny things you used to. She didn’t skip a beat and is taking up where you left off.

The plumber came today and told me how he lit candles at church for me. Then he told me he has been married to his wife for 32 years and doesn’t know if he could survive if anything happened to her. He just kept saying to me “I don’t know how you do it.” I didn’t have a response. I don’t know what I am doing. I am being a mom. I don’t know any other way. I am not magical or different. I just do.

This weekend is a family event. The first, but not the last that I will attend without. I think I am so worried about feeling sad that maybe I just won’t. I will look into your father’s 80 year old eyes and feel his pain. I will look in to your 19, 6 and 4 year old children’s eye’s and feel their pain. I will see your brother and your family and feel their pain. But I will not feel sad. I have my “fines” packed in a suitcase ready to go. I can handle the questions. I can’t handle the pity. I don’t need the look of concern or expressions that seem to question my sanity. If I am not crying hysterical people are worried. If I am crying people are worried. I am not sure how to half cry but if that would make you all feel better than I will try.

Like I said life has gotten into a routine. Then there are moments where it feels like you die all over again and that is scary. When I see fathers and daughters together I have to suck in my breath and hold it in for a moment. That is pain. Little league games - pain. Cars that look like yours – double pain. Couples holding hands in Home Depot make me want to vomit. Everything else I seem OK with right now – I am sure the list will get longer.

So I am taking a break from posting for a few days – collect my thoughts and think about what witty, sad and pathetic things I will say to you next. The sad I am sure I won’t disappoint, the witty takes more thinking. Just know I will be fine.

5 comments:

  1. i love you. have a beautiful time and its okay if you are not just fine too. people wont pity you, they will relate to you. b/c we are all not just fine yet. and we commiserate together.

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  2. I am inspired and my spirit is lifted by you. I am reminded daily why I picked you out and began cultivating our friendship-that my friend is my rainbow of the day. Love you and will see you Sunday.

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  3. Just be yourself, let your feelings feel and just think about you and your children's well being.....do whatever you want....B and I love you.

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  4. LOVE YOU SAMMY! ...now you should stare at rainbows where ever you go :) they'll make you smile for that small snapshot in time.

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  5. I love reading your blog yet I'm so sad about the circumstances that created it.
    I so relate to your confusion how to respond to people asking you how your are. I too could never figure out a response other than "I'm fine" even if I wasn't. We love you.

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