Nothing

I have nothing eloquent to say today. No poetry, no heartwarming stories to tell. Nothing meaningful or significant is going to spew from my brain today. My thoughts are chilled like the winter that is so closely upon us. I am getting colder by the day literary and figuratively.

The phone rang less today – I guess you all love me and are listening – or else I pissed you all off. Maybe I need to rant less or more – still not sure what is working for me.

I walked into Toys R Us today and did an immediate about face. It wasn’t the store or the shoppers – it was the fact That Hanukkah is upon us. That the happy season is descending faster than I can keep up. How do I celebrate the happy times when I feel such unbelievable sorrow? But wait, where did November go? How is it almost six weeks since you died? I don’t know where it all went. I can’t picture doing the holidays without you and I am not even really into the holidays to begin with. I would like December to just go away – but I will probably think that about January and I am seeing a trend beginning.

I am feeling not so angry today – maybe because I am in touch with my true feelings – wait, no I’m not. They change so fast, they are spinning on a pin wheel. Flick the arrow and see what I feel now, flick it again and again and again. This is how I go through my day – up and down just spinning till I am dizzy.

Taking the children to school everyday is so difficult for me. I watch all the fathers taking their kids to school, kissing them goodbye and going off to work. It is painful sometimes because that used to be our life – our schedule. Now it is just me. I find I have to look away from their sweet parting because I am so jealous. I want you back for them so much. Me, I will deal with your loss. I will find some way to get through it. But your babies – your sweet, adorable babies didn’t deserve this life they now have. The pain they will carry for the rest of their lives – it is unbearable to think about. Your sons won’t have you to go to for fatherly advice; your daughter won’t have you to walk down the isle. These moments in time, when I look ahead, they crush me under the weight of sadness. Your children deserve so much better than you left them with – it is so unfair.

I just try to remember how blessed we are, that we have so many people who love us. So many people willing to fill the role you walked away from. I couldn’t possibly keep track of how many family and friends have come to show their support, kindness and love. Almost six weeks since you died and I am still feeling like they are all holding my head above water. No one wants us to feel like we are lacking. I pray to g-d every night with the children and thank him for everyone he has put into my life.

Yet at the end of each day – when it is just the children and I – nothing can take away the ache and the pain. Not the love, not the kindness, nothing. I lie with them at night, reading bedtime stories and your absence is so clear to me. You used to be there, lying next to us – reading with us – laughing with us and now you are just gone.

I miss you again today. Your children miss you too. Hanukkah starts in ten days and we are going to have to do it without you . . .