Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Fab Five

This has been the worst week ever and it is only Tuesday. Not a good sign. I am not sleeping well so I am utterly exhausted. Every moment is spent doing something and I am never even caught up a little bit. Then at the end of the day, when I am supposed to collapse into bed, I am just left alone missing my husband so much I ache in pain and sadness.

When does this madness end?

I wake each day hoping it will be better and I can start fresh. But it seems to always end the same – in tears.

I am just overwhelmed and drowning.

There seems to be no end in sight of cleaning up this mess. I guess in a way I am almost grateful for this giant colossal disaster of a life, as it distracts me for hours on end. It prevents me from looking at the bigger picture – my future. The one where I am left being a single parent without a career or even a step ladder to start on.

Do I sound utterly pathetic to you? I sound like it to myself. I do not want to sound like a victim or helpless – maybe it is just the sleep deprivation causing me to sound so bitter. I am trying to embrace the love and goodness around me – to recognize each day as a blessing and my children as a gift. I love them and every moment with them – it is just so hard sometimes to keep this positive outlook.

Every night I tuck the children into bed and say our night time prayers. It always starts with blessing the members of the family to be healthy, happy and safe. It always ends with please bless daddy in heaven. It still feels like a shock to the system saying the words out loud. Saying that you are in heaven feels surreal –like something you say, but don’t really mean.

I still can’t believe you are dead. I really cannot. I spend the day going and when I stop I feel you gone, so I just run faster and faster hoping to out run the pain of you being gone. I am never fast enough. It seems to always find me and never gets sidetracked. Sometimes I am just not sure this feeling will ever go away – it doesn’t seem to have subdued over time. Maybe the horror has peaked somewhat but the pain doesn’t subside – it just stays and stays with me day in and day out – minute by minute. You are gone. You are dead and are never coming back. I could write it a million times and it never looks real and never feels real and it really just feels awful.

My mother warned me that after time people would stop thinking of me and I would be left on my own. Actually in a way it is kind of a relief that the masses have stopped calling. I have 100 phone calls I never returned and more e-mails then I will ever get to. About a thousand thank you notes to write. The masses of concerned people has slowed down, but my mother doesn’t know my friends well if she thinks they are going to stop.

I call them my fab five – but there are more than that and each one has a special super power that keeps me going. One is my financial advisor, one is my spiritual advisor, one calls me every night to check in and vent about our day, one is my daily manager and keeps tabs on my day to day life, one makes me laugh every time we talk I snort, one is always there for me to talk to or go out drinking with, one lets me vent about our parents and offers wonderful advice, one helps me with my child’s Spanish homework and there are more who are just there with an ear whenever I need it.

I am blessed with such amazing people in my life – I am really lucky. I try and remember that when I am feeling sorry for myself. I try and remind myself I can always look down – someone somewhere is probably worse off than me. So I must try and think of all the good. I have to remind myself that my husband would want me to live my life to its fullest. To keep our children healthy, happy and safe. To remember him and remember to keep myself together for us all.

2 comments:

  1. i love you. you are so strong and brave. keep writing and venting because we are all still here listening.

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