Quiet Nite

Then there are the quiet nights where I am reminded how wonderful my life can be and to truly appreciate my children.

They still asked about you today and cried for you tonight. But it wasn’t awful. I am not sure why, but it just wasn’t. Maybe I am jaded a bit and realize this is just something we all have to deal with on our own time.

The children seem to notice your absence more recently than ever before. Maybe time just works differently for them. I have been trying to push forward to deal with so much life and not look back. All they have is what is right in front of them. But now it seems they are noticing what is not right in front of them and they are sad.

It seems ironic to me that the moments I think will cause them pain don’t seem to bother them. They don’t seem to notice when we hang out with other families that their daddy isn’t here. I am so conscious of it that I watch them with eagle eyes. It never comes. That moment where they look at the other daddies and then look around for their own. But then a random incident will occur later and they are devastated all over again. Maybe it is just delayed reaction. I don’t know.

I do see how much they love their friend’s fathers more than ever. They want their attention, want to tell them things and share stories as they would their own father. I am blessed that I have such wonderful men in my life. My friend’s husbands are more than willing to take my child onto their lap and listen like they would their own. It helps ease everyone involved and it is wonderful.

Tonight was a quiet one and I am grateful. I guess anything after last night is a good night. It leaves me time to reflect on the day, the week, the month and be grateful for my friends and family.

I am still getting dinners every night. Still getting hugs on the street and still people look at me with a special smile. I am blessed by all the people I share this life with and need to remind myself more of all the love around me.

My friend called me today to remind me that my husband didn’t leave because he wanted to – he had to, she said. It was like he had cancer – his depression left him no choice. I will try and remember that on the bad nights. The nights where his death seems raw and awful and the sadness and pain pull me to anger. I will remember that if he could see me now – in a better state of mind - he would be sad too. This was never his intention to hurt me or his family. I really do get that deep deep down. Sometimes it is easier to be angry than forgive. I am trying.

On a quiet night like this it almost seems harder to focus. Without a crisis to worry about I have a tiny bit more room in my brain to think about other things. I almost wish for a crisis so I have an excuse not to look ahead. I know soon I have to look forward, make big decisions and even indulge myself a bit to find my happy place.

I just need more time and more quiet nights – but I will get there.