Two Faced

Today I am two people.

I spent the entire morning trying to figure out my bills and budget and all the adult stuff I never did before. Without tears, without anger, without emotion. It was not easy and I am not even close to being done. Whatever side of my brain does math usually doesn’t work and spent the morning laughing at me.

Then there is the other me; the one who is freaking out about the count down to Hanukkah and the “to send a holiday card or not to send” dilemma. I took my daughter to the bank for adult stuff and then to a Michael’s craft store to look for Hanukkah candles. It is just the dichotomy of the day that makes my head spin in circles.

I left the bank with a poker face on, showing no weakness and no emotion. The craft store I left in tears. All the holiday music crap and people shopping with happy smiling faces; it is too much to take in. At least in the bank everyone looks miserable – not so hard for me. But this racing to the finish line holiday season is just more than I can handle.

What would my husband want me to be doing, was all I kept thinking about today. Would he want me happy and smiling and trying to not think about him, or would he be insulted that we hung decorations around the house today.

I am not sure what direction I am going in anymore. I feel like I've come such a long way in six weeks. Yet if I close my eyes I still hear his voice and see his smile and realize I have gotten nowhere.

I seem to go back and forth between my two people today. The adult who is trying to take charge of my life and the emotional wreck who doesn’t want to talk to anyone, make plans or think about what is coming up next. It is really draining being two people sometimes and I am tired of feeling like this. I just want to be me and then I remember I have no idea who I am anymore – and that is another exhausting thought.

The future holds endless possibilities and I fear them all. Fear the day I wake up not thinking of you when I make coffee and fear that I still think of you every single time I make a cup.

The children asked for a new daddy for Hanukkah – how do I even shop for a single toy when deep down that is all they want. What is the point? Of course your daughter then asked for a Ken doll – so maybe I can make her happy despite it all. But your son; he asks for dinosaurs and trucks in one breath and then reminds me how funny daddy was last year lighting the menorah.

We have no choice but to revisit last year’s holiday this time round. I can try and shake things up but there is no getting around you not being here at all. This will be a hard year. That there is no doubt in my mind.

I had this thought today that you were following me around. That maybe you could be a little proud of me and what I am trying to do. That you were pushing me into the bank to make decisions and threw me out of Michael’s because it was too much. I just had this idea that there was something lingering around me all day. Maybe I am just tying to comfort myself. Maybe I just want to believe that you are here – watching us, taking it all in. Maybe I just wish you weren’t missing a single moment of your children growing up.

So for them and you and maybe even me – I will try and have a happy Hanukkah. I will make the most of these long eight days and think about happy times past and present.

But seriously, if you think I am going to be anywhere but hiding on New Year’s Eve you’ve got another thing coming.