A good day

Today was a good day. Dare I say it out loud, but a good day. Maybe because it was a beautiful sunny day in December – but a good, good day. I feel like I need to write about the good days because I don’t know when the next one will come. Maybe because yesterday was such a bad day that this one seemed better still.

I did wake up worried and upset. I was anxious about yesterday’s blog. Upset with myself that I was so harsh to you and you aren’t here to argue your point. I went to the cemetery today to tell you in person that I was sorry.

Today was a beautiful Thursday – your normal day off from work. It didn’t feel right not seeing you today, so off I went. I ran through the cemetery in such a rush to visit your grave. I sat down under the warm sun and just began to cry again. Sobbing is more like it. I cry so hard and so loud at your grave – I just can’t help it. Probably because not a living soul is around to hear me. It is quiet and comforting in a way and I feel like this is the only place I can truly wail and grieve in private. I was just missing you today – missing you so much. Your beautiful smile and your terrible sense of humor. It is hard to know you are deep in the ground. I sat there picking at the grass just crying and then I started talking to you again. I complained to you about a lot of things and then I filled you in on what you have missed. It is so bizarre to be so close to you and yet so very, very far from you – just bizarre.

I left the cemetery and went on with my day. Doing normal things on a not so normal Thursday. Picked up the children from school, went to the park, did homework, made dinner. There was no fighting today, no drama. We laughed and joked and had a great bedtime. We had a good day together.

As I sit here and write about the day, I don’t feel so sad. I seem to always feel better on the days I visit you. I am not sure why. Maybe I just have to learn to give in to my new reality. To embrace my life as it now is, be thankful for what I have and stop being remorseful and angry. I am sure I will slip up and fall back on past feelings. But for tonight, I am feeling good and look to tomorrow to being another good day.

Tomorrow night my friends, family and neighbors are having a benefit in your honor. It is a hard pill to swallow. When I think about all the time and effort and commitment people have been sacrificing for our family I am humbled. When I think about the people who will come tomorrow to support me I am overwhelmed. I wish there was some way to repay them all for this act of kindness. I wish there was something I could do for them.

It is a helpless feeling to realize you actually need others to help you get through this life. That I couldn’t possibly do it alone. But in the end I must rid myself of the shame and grief I feel; and realize that there are people out there who love me, pray for me and are willing to help when I feel helpless.