Benefit

I have writer’s block this weekend. Or maybe there has just been so much going on, I haven’t had time think a unique thought in days. Some days the words flow so freely from my brain it takes zero effort. Some nights, like tonight, when I do get a moment to think and reflect - it is like wow! So much has happened, so much is going on, so much to do tomorrow. Sometimes I wish I could just press pause to catch up with life.

Let me start with Friday night. Benefit night. I think the reason I have writer’s block is that words just cannot possibly describe how I feel. It is like trying to describe the most beautiful sunset when the sky is a million shades of pink. Or to try and put into words the feeling you get when your child looks lovingly into your eyes. Your heart skips a beat and there is a swirling of emotions coursing through your veins. Words just cannot describe Benefit night in any way to give it justice.

I could describe the scene to you from my eyes and it still would be unworthy. The weeks on end my friends put into the planning, organizing and collecting items to be auctioned off; the food, drinks, signs, getting volunteers, making fliers and getting people there. The zillion details I probably don’t even know about – wow! Hundreds of people came, many I haven’t seen in twenty plus years – it was like a Samantha this is your life kind of moment. I could sit here and write thank you over and over and over again, but thank you sounds so crass to me – it just doesn’t say how I feel. Nothing does.

The love I felt in the room from friends and strangers. The idea that my husband made an impact on people or that I made any kind of impression to someone to make them come – it spins in my mind, the confusion and joy.

I can’t possibly express the gratitude I feel – I am only happy I saw a lot of drunk smiling faces – I hope you all had a good time. My face hurt the next day from smiling so much, seeing you all there made me smile. I didn’t shed any tears – it was easy not to. There was too much to be thankful for that night. All I kept thinking was that I am happy to be alive and healthy, have two wonderful children and family and friends who really love me a lot. I just smiled.

Saturday I spent the day nursing two sick children back to health. Puke will help keep you occupied for hours on end I realize. In fact at some point yesterday I actually forgot you were dead. Life was just whirling along and the kids had me crazy and there was just so much to do and I am on auto-pilot go go going. I forget you were dead. It is just like you are at work and I was home doing what I do – and then it hits me. You are dead. You are dead and you are never coming back. It is a thought that continues to take my breath away.

So last night I did something stupid. I sat in bed and looked at our wedding album. I think back to that day seven years ago – the smile on our faces, the glimmer in our eyes. The look that we both shared that said how wonderful we were feeling and our future together is so exciting and new.

Then I close the book, put it under my bed and stare off into space. Where did we go wrong? How did we fall so fast so quickly? How did you have this amazing day with me, have two children with me and then kill yourself? How did this happen?

I remember since I am very young only wanting a family and a house. I wanted something of my own so badly. I hated my divorced screwed up life at times and only wanted the picture perfect family I saw everywhere else. I wanted a “home.” So I found the perfect man, we bought a house, started a beautiful family and then you died. Now I have a house, two amazing children and am left all alone to figure out every single moment solo. It is a horrifying feeling. A desperately terrifying and sad feeling. This is not the future we planned together. This is not the fairy tale I wanted. To be alone, unsure and widowed at 38. This is not at all what I want.

So for now I will readjust my idea of a ‘home.” Because I do have one – a wonderful home. A house full of love and laughter and children. I do have exactly what I’ve always wanted. I just have to tweak my brain a little bit. So what that I have to do this alone – life is about being strong on your own.

I am determined to not live in a house of sadness and misery. I owe it to my children to smile and laugh more and worry less. I owe my amazing friends and family who care and worry about me to take better care of myself and stay strong. I have this wonderful gift of my life and my children and I am won’t fail them. I just won't.