Just Missing You

I really miss you today. I miss you everyday, but today I miss you more than usual.

If you live near me you know how bitter cold it is outside. My bed is freezing at night and you aren’t here to warm my feet. I miss calling you at work to check in and tell you about my day. I miss hearing your voice and seeing you smile and cracking the worst jokes ever that made me laugh until my sides hurt.

I miss telling you everything and sharing with you.

The children are just so unbelievably amazing. I am sorry you are missing them grow up as they continue to astound me daily. Your four year old daughter seems to mature and grow each and every day and I miss looking at her with you in wonder that we made her. Your six year old son is so smart and so good – he is learning magic tricks. I hear him now upstairs in his bed practing for his soon to be audience. If you were here tonight, we would be giggling to one another about how cute and funny he is.

But you aren’t here and I am left to sit back alone and watch them myself. It seems so wrong that you don’t get to see this. I wish you were here tonight to witness the beautiful creatures that we created together. I am sorry it is just me.

I miss you for a million reasons and just want to sit and cry.

I wish you were here to ask your advice about my life and the children. About choices I am not sure what to do about. I miss your wit and sarcasm and I miss your beautiful smile. I miss all the things you used to do that would drive me crazy. How you would stand in front of the refrigerator door and look around eating this and that and I would yell that you were letting all the cold air out. You would just ignore me and go about noshing as if I never said a word!

I miss you watching Fox News and how annoyed you would get that I couldn’t care less about politics or the news. I tried watching a few times – but Bill O’Reilly just makes me want to weep.

I threw out your coffee cup today. I thought I would be able to use it but when I poured my morning coffee into it I just stared at the cup for a while. I miss bringing you coffee and I couldn’t even take one sip. I just dumped it all out – right into the trash. I can’t pretend anymore – you are dead and never coming back. Even though every day I try a little harder to accept this reality it still feels so fresh and painful that I am just stuck.

I found the birthday cards the children made for your last birthday and a Valentine’s Day card you made for me. I just don’t know what to do with all these things. It tears my heart open to see them and yet knowing you held these cards and smiled makes me want to keep them forever.

My jewelry makes me so sad. I have four rings on my fingers. One is from my grandmother, one is from your mother who died two years ago and two are from you. Every time I look at my hands I feel pain. I don’t know what to do. I only look at my hands oh maybe billions of times in a day. Yet I am just not sure what to do. How long do I wear my wedding band and engagement ring for? I look at my left hand and want to cry and scream. It makes me think of the day you proposed. How you looked at me and said, “There is a lot of love in this little ring.”

This ring that I have worn for so long, I can’t remember a time it wasn’t on my hand and yet it pains me to wear it. It feels like at times it is made of acid and it burns holes into me. It is a constant reminder of what I had and what I’ve lost. I just don’t know how long it can stay on my finger.

Maybe come New Year’s Eve I will take off my rings and take yours off around my neck and put it in a box for our daughter. Maybe someday I will be able to hand her this sad jewelry and it will be a better day. Yet just writing these words and the thought of taking off this ring causes me to sob so hard I fear I will wake the children. Maybe I will just try. Maybe I will sit with a bottle of wine and pry the rings off my hands and just not think about it and not look back.

I am getting my keyboard all wet and this can’t be good.

I have to think of something else to write about now because I am a mess. Nope I got nothing.

Did I mention the magic tricks?