Break

The children are home for winter break which makes accomplishing anything that much more difficult. It is also family time which is also very difficult. Yes there are plenty of new toys and movies and distractions - but nothing lasts very long.

I am in a rush to get this year past me. New Year's eve just can't come soon enough. This has been a bad year and I want it to end already. Of course I could look back and see all the wonderful things that happened - but somehow everything seems over shadowed by the death of my husband. Whatever good came out of 2009 seems to pale in comparison to the death of loosing the only man I ever truly loved.

The other day it was close to bedtime and I caught myself before I said - "hurry up and get into your pajamas so we can call daddy and say goodnight." I can't believe I thought those words let alone almost said them out loud. Where the hell have I been these last two months? How did that thought almost pass my lips. Sometimes I feel like everything going on has happened to someone else and nothing seems real.

There is so much going on now and so many changes yet to come. I almost dread the new year and the new life that awaits me, yet I am in a rush to get to a familiar place once again. I am trying to paint a happy picture for my children - it just seems that every day brings a whole new set of rules. They are going to be uprooted once more and my heart breaks for this change. But the mommy must lead the way - with a smile and hopefully happy children will follow. How much more can small children bear - I guess I will soon find out.

This lull in school and work is probably a good thing - but it also seems harder to be out of our routine. It leaves a lot of down time and we are struggling to not miss you so much. This holiday break only makes me think of last year - a happier and simpler time. How much my life has changed - it seems surreal. How different a person I am today than I was just mere months ago. I am still lost in my own head at times and struggle to stay calm and focused. I wish I could make it all go away - all the sad and terrible things that have happened. But that is not reality.

I am not really sure what is real anymore. What tomorrow brings and where we will go.

A very large part of me wants to take the children and disappear to an island somewhere far far away. Start over as someone else - because sometimes being me is just not so much fun.

But that would not be helping anyone - not really. It might be fun for a while, but reality would catch up with me sooner or later and I guess deep down you really can't run away from who you are and where you have been.

So I will try and spend this winter break playing more games and making art projects and reminding the children what a great family we are. That we love each other and need each other and hope the new year brings us happier memories.