Wednesday, December 30, 2009

Countdown

I realized today that I don’t have good days and bad days; it is more complex in my world. It is more like I have good moments and horrible ones.

Today the children and I went to an ice skating birthday party. There was this moment when the three of us were on the ice together, a great song was on and we were smiling and having a wonderful time. I remember thinking that this moment felt so odd because it just doesn’t seem to happen often enough. It is hard for me to feel happy, despite how much I try. But in this moment in time my head was clear and I wasn’t dwelling on anything but what was right in front of me. It was an open window where I could see pure joy.

On the way home the children commented that daddy wasn’t with us today. I told them I like to believe that daddy is up in heaven watching us and enjoying all our happy moments. That he would want us to have fun and be happy and continue life just as we are. There was no response and I am not sure, but I think they both flipped me the bird from the backseat. I don’t blame them – I am trying to believe my own words too and it is difficult.

Your six year old is missing you more and more. I feel like a month ago he didn’t seem to notice as much. Maybe the realization is finally sinking in. He cries for you all the time and just keeps asking me “Why did daddy have to die?” It is a terrible feeling for a mother to have. I can solve so many of their problems. A kiss fixes a boo boo and bowl of ice cream or a Sponge Bob show can solve the rest. This dead daddy catastrophe doesn’t fall into any category. I understand a little bit of how my mother feels right now. All she wants is to make me feel better and all I get is angry at her for trying.

I cannot make my children’s troubles go away. Nothing can make their daddy come back from the dead and nothing can make this unbelievable situation feel any better. Time is supposed to help. Time seems to be the answer for everything these days. I don’t know about this. Time seems to stand still for this family. We are frozen right now in our sadness for daddy. I am starting to have a hard time looking at all the photos of him in the house. It used to bring me comfort seeing him all around us. Now it is starting to hurt when I look. I find myself standing in front of our family photo and looking deep into his blue eyes for answers I will never get. It is troubling.

I am truly devastated for my children in so many ways. I know that they will someday be in a better place – but right now time seems to have forgotten where we live.

There is a new dinner time routine which is just plain awful. At some point during the meal my four year old will say, “Daddy is dead.” The six year old immediately starts to cry and gets really upset. The four year old doesn’t really grasp what she is saying – all she knows is that these are the magic words to get her brother to cry. It is a freaking nightmare. I finally shushed her tonight because I realized what she was up to. It took a few nights of me coddling her to realize she was being devious and not just missing her daddy – girls – ugh!

So tomorrow is New Year’s Eve. Please don’t ask me what I am doing. It really doesn’t make a difference to me. It is just another night that my husband won’t be home. I don’t want to go to a party, have people over or do anything out of the ordinary. I just want to be.

Today I took off my necklace, the one with your ring on it. In my mind I did it because I was afraid it would get ripped off during skating. I think I will just let it sit in my drawer for now. The rest of my resolutions are null and void. I just want to take this New Year one day at a time. Be a better person and a better parent and try to get through each day with my sanity intact.

I am going to sit home and maybe watch my favorite vampire movie. I am going to try and do something that once upon a time brought me happiness. I am going to think about this past year and cry about my dead husband. I am going to wonder how at 38 I am a widow and raising two small children all alone.

I am going to look for another open window and find the strength to make 2010 a better year for all three of us.

1 comment:

  1. A friend of mine, who'd lost someone himself, taught me something about time: He said, "People say 'time heals all wounds.' They're wrong. Time doesn't heal anything. It just allows you to learn how to live without your loved one." I've never forgotten that.

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