Sunday, December 20, 2009

Snow

There is a lot of snow out there. All I keep thinking about is what your grave must look like today. Barren, cold and alone is now where I picture you lying and it feels awful.

The children had bowls of snow for breakfast and then we went outside to play. I pulled them in sleds up and down our block till my fingers were numb. I tried not to think about your grave. I tried to enjoy their laughter and embrace this moment. I tried not to think about missing you.

I am trying not to think about how you felt your last day alive. I am trying not to picture you writing the note and then driving off to your demise. I just can’t go there anymore. I need to move past this pain. There is too much to worry about and think about these days. I need to think about the children and about myself. I can’t undo what has been done and can’t fix the past. I can, however, change the future. This is what I must focus on now.

I can’t spend every moment thinking about what if you were alive and how the days would be different. I can’t think about how you are missing this snow day. I have to live in the present, as difficult as this may be. I must force myself not to think of you. It seems selfish for me to try and think this way. But today I was angry with myself for not enjoying the snow more – for not looking at my beautiful children and giggling along with them. I have to stop dwelling in darkness and look toward the beauty of life I am living with.

If I spent every single moment thinking about you, I would be missing out on my own life. I owe my children more than that. I can’t make up for you being gone, but I can make them enjoy their mommy more and their life.

I go to bed every night wishing you were here and wake each morning looking for you. It is exhausting. Missing you and feeling regret is exhausting. I am past the point of blame and guilt. I am past the point of wondering how I missed the signs. You kept so much from me and I can only ascertain that you were trying to protect me. So now I must take your lead and protect myself further. I must make a decision to not think of you so much. Does this seem cold and callous? I wonder but almost can’t care if this is the case.

Your children and I will miss you forever. This I know to be true. It has been two long months of missing you. In two months our lives have been forever changed and turned upside down. I need the madness to end. I need to take control of our destiny and move forward. I am tired of feeling angry with you and sad about you.

These feelings will stay within my heart forever, but I also need to stop blaming you for my pain. I need more in my heart. I need love and kindness and peace. I will probably still think about you everyday but I need to think deeper and wider too.

Tomorrow when I am digging the car out of its snowy tomb I will for sure be thinking about you. But I will try and think good thoughts.

1 comment:

  1. so great living in the moment and taking the kiddos sledding! I thing we are allowed to make new memories and have fun in the midst of anger and sadness. G-d made us so unique that we are able to do all of that - sometimes with in moments of each other.

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