Friday, December 18, 2009

Two Months

It will be two months tomorrow that you are dead. Two months – I can barely believe it. I feel like it has been much, much longer and yet I still feel at times like you are coming home.

I have dealt with so much these past two months I can barley breathe. So many things I have done and so much I still have to do. There are major decisions on the horizon and I just can’t think about them – it is so hard. So impossible to think I have to make these decisions all on my own.

I am trying to remember what my life was like two months and two days ago and I can’t. It feels like someone else’s life I lived. I can’t remember feeling anything but what I feel now – pain and sorrow. Yes the past two months have been littered with happy times – but I couldn’t tell you what they were.

I still feel like I am sleepwalking and will awaken soon to find I have been living in a nightmare. Then I realize I am wide awake and the demons are real and you actually did kill yourself – you really did this and I am back to being stunned again.

Two months of worrying and not sleeping. Two months of caring for the children without your help. Two months of bills and decisions that I wish I didn’t have to make solo. Two months of waking up alone and looking for you. I just can’t believe this is really my life now – I just can’t.

I haven’t been to visit your grave in a while. I am sorry. I want to go and then I just can’t seem to leave the house. I am trying to figure out what happens next and wait for a sign from you and then nothing comes. I wonder where you are sometimes and if you are watching me and the children. I wonder if you realized how devastated I would be or if you thought I would walk away from your death just fine. I can’t imagine you would leave thinking anything but how awful my life is right now. I can’t imagine you would do this willingly, knowing you would leave me in this state. I have to think that you were just really not thinking at all.

I think I wrote once that I wouldn’t write anymore in reference to time. I am trying not to think about you on a timeline. I am trying to just live life and move forward. I just can’t believe how much my life has changed in such a short span. I went from being a carefree stay at home worrying about normal stupid stuff to a person I don’t recognize. I miss my old life or what I thought was normal. Nothing is normal now – everything is new and I am trying day by day to find my footing and sort out the impossible.

Maybe because tonight is the end of Hanukkah – our first without you and it was just awful, that I am feeling extra sadness. Every night trying to distract the children with presents just because their daddy is dead. Last night I asked your six year old son if he wanted to talk about anything. He said yes – but I don’t want to hear the word daddy or dead – we can talk about anything else. I really don’t blame him. I don’t want to talk about you either anymore. I am tried of talking and tired of wondering and trying to justify your actions in my mind or to my friends. I am tired of being a charity case and the sad one. I want me back and I don’t have any idea who she is supposed to be anymore.

This blog may be the only constant I have left. I just want what I had before – a happy family and now our family is broken and we are out of crazy glue.

On the plus side I have high hopes for the New Year. I have made zero resolutions which I would break by the third of January anyway - I only wish for peace and love and happiness for my family and all my friends. I don’t think I am asking too much and am hoping to catch a break on this one – just this time.

2 comments:

  1. i wish you peace and love as well. thanks for wishing it to all. I certainly need some peace and love.

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  2. Broken, schmoken. You're a tough broad and you'll live. I hope you watched those vampire movies.

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