Latkes

I want to punch your smug smile through the glass of our wedding photo that hangs in our home. I am so angry with you today that I really just want to punch you. Then I want to wrap my arms around you and cry.

I am so worried about so many things. But today I am worried about the house. I wish you were here to tell me what the right thing to do is. I just don’t know. I am so angry for this very reason – that I just don’t know what to do. I am really not sure what you would even tell me. Leaving would probably make the most financial sense. But leaving feels like you dying all over again. It feels wrong and it feels like it would cause the children such stress, that I can’t see past this point. Maybe I want to hang on to the house for sentimental value. Maybe I just hate packing. I just do not know what to do. I wish you could just give me a sign.

I hate this feeling of uncertainty – I feel like the rest of my life is wracked with uncertainty and I loathe it. I remember once – not to long ago, how happy and complete I felt. I was married to a great man, have two wonderful children, lived in my own home and have a great community filled with wonderful people. I feel like I have fallen so far from this moment and don’t know how to pick myself up and where to go from here. You clearly hit rock bottom the day you killed yourself. You have since dragged me down and I am trying to climb up from this painful abyss and see the future that lies ahead. What happened to us? This is all I keep wondering.

All I kept thinking about today is that it really sucks to be sad. Every moment I spend in what should be enjoyable moments seem impossible to do with such a heavy heart.

Yesterday I spent the morning at our daughter’s school making potato latkes for Hanukkah. I was grating potatoes and onions and sneaking glances into her adorable class. Every time she caught me looking she would give me her mischievous smile. I should have been ecstatic about such a cute, fun day and I couldn’t. I was trying to enjoy this moment and trying to fake my happiness but it just doesn’t come easily. I am trying to appreciate what I have, but I am still just sad.

I would like to wake up one morning and not feel this way. Not wonder how it is truly possible that this happened. Some days I go and get your suicide note out and read it again, just to remind me that this is really real. Reality comes crashing down upon me, for a few seconds and then disbelief takes over once more.

I wonder when this goes away – this awful feeling of just what the f*ck . . .

Today I was looking for a flashlight and opened a drawer I never use. I found some of your sweatshirts I never got rid of. It is like a ghost that jumps out at me and screams BOO!!! when I see some of your stuff still untouched and just as you left it.

I am trying to forgive you and not forget you. I am trying to keep up my spirit and just keep going. I am trying to live life and remember you fondly and not dwell in sorrow and misery. I feel like most moments I am succeeding but I still really don’t feel like myself. I feel very alone in a world full of friends and neighbors and family. I feel like I will be alone forever and missing you forever and this doesn’t feel good.

I wish I could look into the future and just see beyond the pain and sadness for just a moment. I wish I could see me happy again the children enjoying their childhood and us living a full life as it should be. I guess I just have to trust that this will happen. I have to trust myself to make this happen and not rely on fate or time. I have to believe that this is as bad as it gets and it can only get better.

I just have to believe . . .