GWB

I cry every time I drive over the George Washington Bridge. I just can’t help it. I see the signs and then tears start pouring down my face. I am grateful for the DVD player that distracts the kids from their sobbing mom who sits up front alone.

There are many trips I am used to taking without you. I never liked it when you had to work so much and I was going places without you, but I am used to it. The GWB trips are all you though. Heading to New Jersey is just so difficult without you. I am trying to get through this in a healthy way. In fact, this is my third trip out there without you, yet I still cry in the same spot each and every time.

This is probably one of those experiences that time will heal. Time seems to be the antidote to most of my ailments these days. Time moves in a very Twilight Zone kind of way. I am still wondering when it will all make sense. Someone once told me that my pain will always be in my heart – forever and ever. It is just that at some point the pain moves over a little bit and I will be able to feel other emotions. I am not sure if this is something I look forward to or fear.

There is a different kind of grieving when it is a suicide. I am just making this up mind you – but it feels right to me. If this was a natural death or maybe not so deliberate, I might feel worse about certain situations. Like the fact that I did end up ordering holiday cards or I am even acknowledging the holidays. I am grieving but with anger and guilt – such a healthy combo I must say. I am angry that you left us and almost want to punish your behavior by keeping my life as if nothing has changed. But I know there is no punishment here – you hurt yourself more than my New Year’s Card ever could.

The weekends seem to be hard on us all. The mornings where we aren’t running to go some place sound like a nice idea, after the craziness of the week, but there is emptiness in the house we can’t get away from.

We did finally get out of the house Saturday afternoon and helped friends decorate their tree and today we visited our family in NJ. The happy Hanukkah celebrations made up for the rotten night. Last night we all slept poorly. At 3 am both children were awake with nightmares and everyone ended up in my bed. Your son told me that your picture on the wall was alive and moving around. He said he waved to you, but you didn’t wave back. Your daughter was just up - I never got the reason. Me, I dreamt you were in the kitchen unloading the dishwasher. I was terribly upset to wake up this morning and find the dishes were still there. Maybe we are all just missing you more and wanting to see you even in some small way and this is how our brain is processing it.

This morning I made the children chocolate chip pancakes and they hate my pancakes. Both of them got upset when I wouldn’t let them help. They told me, “When daddy wasn’t dead he used to let us make them!” Wow – at 4 and 6 they are playing the death guilt card remarkably well. I handed over the spatula and let them do whatever they wanted. I just have no fight left in me.

I am not sure if I am being a good parent or not. I feel like I’m doing my best and don’t know how it even measures up. Sometimes I feel like I did the day I brought my son home from the hospital. I couldn’t believe the doctors were letting me take a child home – I had no idea what I was doing and they were like – OK, Bye now, have a nice life. Sometimes I look at my family and feel the same way – I have no idea what I am doing and my husband just went OK, Bye now – have a nice life . . .

I just tucked everyone into bed and they were so cute and cuddly. They remind me that everything I do is for them and to not be so sad. I am thinking that maybe tomorrow will start a better week. There is so much to do and so much on the calendar, I am sure I won’t have time to be sad. I will just start acting like the adult I am already supposed to be and try not to trip up on the grieving.

All I can say is that I will try.